deep breaths and panic attacks

I just wanted to say when you live far from all extended family and your husband leaves to go to school across the state for six weeks it is hard. That life with too many things to do is terrible without a husband , and that preparing for all the holidays/and a three week long vacation with no husband, and too much to do is absolutely painful.

The other night after I survived my twilight party catering I lay in bed coming down from my panic attack and felt so exhausted. Like that kind of exhausted you only have after you have had a baby or something. Like every drop of you physically and emotionally is spent. I was relived it was over, excited to see what my future would hold (its got to be better right?), a little too tried to really think of all the work ahead of me, and really just so empty of all energy. I was aching so badly for a big hug - as if I really needed someone to help give me some strength but I knew I would just have to find it somewhere in myself because there is no other way. I don't know what I would do without my faith in my Savior and Heavenly Father. I would not be okay at all. I am so grateful that when I need to be more then I am they lift some of the burdens so I can keep going.

I have been in awe of single mothers. Plus, I think I understand why some of the many people who aren't like me are not like me. Trying to do everything all at once can be a real personal disaster if it really is more then you can handle. I am going to learn how to say "no" which is hard because I HATE letting people down. I just want people to be happy. BUT I need to stay sane and coherent because my children rely on me for everything.

I have all these plans (drive to Utah, drive to Vegas, drive to LA, go to Disney land, drive to phoenix, come home throw our primary activity the next day, be alive for church on Sunday with teacher training), and then survive the weeks till my husband comes home again. - um, it feels not fun at all right now - well, that is not true. The things in and of themselves sound wonderful but when I think about what it means for me to be there and to have my family there all alive and everything it feels not worth it anymore. I am wondering why I have signed up for these things. I fantasize about changing it all and canceling it all. But for what? So I can be here alone? That is terrible too in its own way. Its sort of like I have to pick my pain: do more then I should make myself do or be alone, feel left out, and carry the weight of my responsibilities while I battle loneliness. I will go on my vacation and it will be better then I think but I guess I will just need a lot of hugs when I get there. All I want is to be home and have some peace and have my Stewart there. I just want to be able to take a deep breath and have no fear of any more panic attacks. This is newer for me. I usually am up for a party, heck I am usually the one throwing them, but these days I just want to be all together with my family again, my own little family. ah. :)

So I am sorry to vent but I really needed to voice my feelings. It helps to think someone out there knows what I am feeling.

*this is not meant to be "I have it the worst!" or written because I want people to pity me or anything like that. Its just my expressing the hardships I am facing and how I am dealing with them. I know there are people with bigger trials on their plates, I get that. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am just knowing and expressing that things are harder then they are easy when I don't have people to really talk to about this sort of stuff as much as I need (you know the hubby gone and all). It's no more, no less.