Knowing your Limitations and getting your life to fit them in

This has been months in the making in my head. A person extremely close to me had a major break down and it was a huge shock to me. She has been months healing now. I've been wondering: How did I not see it coming? What caused it? What can I do to help her? What did I do to contribute? and What can I learn from it? This is where I am at with it....Knowing your limitations and advocating for them. I sort of wanted to put my thoughts out there to see if they seem accurate or off base.

The older I get the more I think of "happiness" as really being about finding a personal balance in life. Joy is its own thing all together but happiness, and the pursuit thereof, is a big part of being human these days. Its not good enough to survive we want to live happily.  But that can be a finical thing to find and the media and commercial power houses try to tell us that happiness is spending our money on things that will make them money...weather it be a new car, a perfect body, a picture perfect home, the smartest kids, the most relaxing or exciting vacations,.... It can be really confusing. I mean seriously it is nice to have those things...but are they really your personal key to happiness? The longer I live and the less I can even entertain the messages of the commercial industries I've found its in finding a personal balance. For me I am at my happiest when I have certain routines established that are not too hard to maintain. (Wake up early, go for a run, do some light stretches, and a little strength training, scriptures study, and a little journal entry. Oh, that is bliss to me!) Then the rest of my day is full of purposeful stuff but nothing with major stress like you have to do this by this impractical time or the entire church Christmas party will be a bust!!! - sort of nonsense. Then my evenings are a little laid back with homework, family dinner, Stewart home for all of it, and then nice family time like a walk, or a quick little show, or reading a pile of books all together. That doesn't need to happen every day but if that could be the norm more often then not then that'd be the happiness I could enjoy forever.

But lets be real. Our "happy life" comes at a cost. And often things happen which take that away from us that are out of our control. Maybe Stewart will die tomorrow and he will never be home again...what then?  I realize too, more and more, that life will make you bitter and feel as though you have missed out if you aren't flexible and malleable, but there are some things worth fighting for, somethings that if we give up on for too long will hurt our overall well-being. As much as we don't have total control of our lives, our choices are important and have huge effects. With that, every life choice we make we have to compromise on something else...you cant have it all. So I look at where I am right now and ask, "Can I have that happiness? Right now?" The answer is no. But in six months it could be, maybe if  things go well it could be. That was my reality six months ago and it was really nice.

I think about my future and I want that happiness. I realize that I need my husband home a lot to be super happy - to be the best sort of mom and wife I can be. I really need him home for dinner. I really need him home on the weekends. I need him to have real relationships with all of us. I am thinking that perhaps that needs to be a family standard we set as we go forward in picking careers and such. Its so easy to let a "boss" dictate what your family time will look like and then feel trapped by it. Families need money to operate and that weight is ever heavier with each passing year. Can we have enough money and have him work hours that are good for our family relationships too? What price will we pay to have him home? We've been in school, and now training, since we met 9 years ago. Its always been "well that's just what we have to do now to have it better someday." And that "someday" was vague at best. As it is a little closer in sight and my youthful gungho-ness wheres off I really want to go forward with the next chapters of our lives with a real idea of what our "someday" is like so our standards, priorities, and our limitations are a consideration today, now.

Obviously for us our someday is a house full of kids. That has a million and one implications for us, it means "peace" is a relative term, and that cleaning, budgeting, being a taxi, and worrying about them will be a major part of my life for at least the next 20 years. I am willing to pay that price to have that joy. For me our house needs to be pretty. It doesn't need to be the most beautiful house ever but it needs to be pretty and decorated. Even my dorm room was completely decorated...I mean I had 4 plants including a beautiful, real orchid by our sink....my surroundings need to be aesthetic but I don't need a mansion or high-end, just pretty. I know that can sound petty but I learned that last year as I packed away our decorations way in advance for our move....I got depressed. I stopped liking being home as much, I stopped wanting to clean....funny huh?  Obviously as stated before I need my hubby home for regular family time and I need "me time" in the mornings. So what does that mean? It means my husband will probably not be the richest radiologist in town, it means my kids wont be each doing three different sports a year, it means the gospel has a chance of really being a big part of our daily lives as we aren't rushing here and there.

I think if I faced a "forever" with those things not being available to me I would sort of break down. I'm realizing with a lot of humility that I have serious limitations. I wonder if you know what your limitations are and How do you know what they are? I wonder how you fight to have a life that respects them. Do you need spontaneous adventure? Do you need big events? Do you need sports to be a big part of your lives? How do you protect those things when life gets crazy? When life gets really crazy how do you know which ones can be cut and which ones must stay?

The happiest people I know live lives full of the things they care about the most at a cost they are happy to make. What is your "someday" like? And when do we realize that our someday is happening right now? When and how do we make our lives fit what we need it to be?

Christmas Party - I know seriously?

Okay I know this is too much, Hello its the day before Thanksgiving but as I blissfully started my Thanksgiving prep this morning this vision of a  beautiful Christmas party for the residents came to my mind and I was so excited about it I just have to write it down or I'd be stressing all day trying to remember all the little details of a party I wish would be. - you can tell I am excited when my sentences are major run-ons.....

Do I have the budget for this? No. Would it go off really well? Maybe. Will I do it? Maybe. But this is the second time I've had this idea for a resident Christmas party come rushing into my mind with the most joyful excited feeling ever. Then followed by the reminder that part of the reason we felt like we should rent this house was because it'd be a gathering place, a party house and that was part of what we were to do with our time here in Tucson. So maybe Gods wants a party to be thrown! ;O) - Stewart will love that reasoning! hahahah

Here are my party plans in all their glory!

The Buffet:

-Creamy Alaskan Crab Soup - One of my favorite soups ever
-Homemade (meaning I roast the beef myself...yummmmm.)Roast Beef sandwiches - build your own
-Ham, Swiss, and French mustard sandwiches
-Huge Beautiful Garden salad with options for homemade blue cheese dressing, ranch, or vinaigrette.
-Sparkling punch & nice icy water

Guests Bring: 

- dessert or an appetizer to share

Decorations/Ambiance : 
 -our normal decorations
- twinkle lights on both patios with tables and chairs set up out there (its warm here)
- pretty red and green candles lit on each table
- fun Christmas music playing

Kids: 
- they get to play on the swing set (provided we buy one and get it put up) - major stretch, & trampoline
-  they can eat all the treats they want
- play with all the other residents little kiddos

Doesn't that sound elegant, fun, festive, and yummy? Well it does to me.

Happy Thanksgiving! I've got to go clean the kids rooms, clean the hall bathroom, run to costco and give the little Ben and Gen a bath because they are covered in "moon sand". All in the next 2 1/2 hours. Ready go!

Thanksgiving Dinner Planning

So like many years since Med school and beyond I get to host Thanksgiving this year but this year is going to be special. This year we are going to have family join us. My sister and her family of seven will be making it a full house. In the past my big heart ached when I had to put on my own thankful meal because I'd get really get homesick for my family. Thankfully I have always had such wonderful friends to share the holiday with but this year I actually get some family! Anyways, I have this menu floating in my head that I sort of have this huge desire to write down and compile the recipes I am going to do as I research and find the ones I am needing to find and get ready to make the monster shopping list so that is what this is. If you see a place where I need a recipe please share with me your favorite. I love recipe recommendations!

Stuffing:I got this recipe from Stewart's Aunt Sue when we eat there for Thanksgiving. I totally fell in love with it! It is so dang good.
INGREDIENTS
3 cups boiling water
3 sticks butter melted
1 minced onion
1 1/2 to 2 loaves bread (white bread)
1/2 tsp. pepper
3 tsp. salt *if your butter is salted add less then given here
2 tsp. poultry seasoning or sage
3 Tbsp. parsley flakes
4 stalks celery diced
DIRECTIONS
Mix all together. If too dry just add more water. You can then stuff turkey with it or you can bake in a baking pan. Bake until turkey is cooked through and if in its own pan cook at 350 degrees until tops of bread are golden brown - I think this is best baked in a shallow pan  so you get lots of golden bred and its not soggy on the bottom.

Turkey: I have tried many different ways to cook a turkey. Brine, salt rub, butter coated, traditional.... But I think after all the turkeys I have cooked in my life probably about 10 I think I have found my favorite way. We'll see how it goes this year.

INGREDIENTS
Salt
Poultry seasoning
paprika
little bit of sugar
butter
large onion
Celery stalks
Big Turkey

DIRECTIONS
1.)With a completely thawed turkey the day before you want to bake it make a generous amount of rub using the dried seasonings listed above. Then rub that baby down. The insides, all of the outsides, and even a little under that skin. Wrap it in plastic wrap and then put it in the bottom of your refrigerator on top a large layer of news paper.
2.) Then the next day about an hour and half before you bake it take it out and give it a chance to warm up a bit for that hour. Wash off the salt rub on its exterior and pat dry. Stuff it with coarsely chopped onion, and celery. With softened butter get messy and mush it under the breast skin to help keep the breasts moist. Then I sprinkle it with more paprika (it will give it a nice color). Then you can bake it how you like. I like using a turkey bag but to each their own.
*Make sure you time things right. It takes a long time to bake and then you want to let it rest before you serve it and you need time to make the gravy.
*With this method the gravy can be really salty so I like to have gravy mixes on hand to help me mix and play with flavor if needed.

Creamed Corn -I got this recipe from Stewart's Aunt Sue. It is so good you know its not good for you. My kids loved it!
INGREDIENTS
2 packages (10 oz.) frozen corn, thawed
1 cup whipping cream
1 cup whole milk
1 tsp. Salt
5 Tbsp. sugar
4 Tbsp. butter
4 Tbsp. flour
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese (I would probably omit this when I make it)
DIRECTIONS
1.) Combine all ingredients except the butter, flour, and cheese in a large pan. Bring to a gentle boil and reduce heat to low. Simmer 5 minutes. Watch it carefully so it doesn't scorch on the bottom of the pan.
2.) In a separate pan melt butter and add flour to make thickening. Slowly pour butter mixture into the corn mixture. Stir constantly and bring to a gentle boil.
3.)Pour into serving dish and enjoy.
*If you are adding the cheese then sprinkle on top and broil to brown the cheese and serve.

Sauteed Green Beans - Since I like to do the creamed corn I really don't think we need another super rich creamy side dish and I love vegetables so I want green beans but in a healthier simpler preparation.

INGREDIENTS
olive oil
onion
garlic
salt (or chicken bullion powder)
green beans

DIRECTIONS
Saute onions in oil then add the garlic after 30 seconds add the green beans. sprinkle with salt and pepper. Stir, cover, and let steam. Stir occasionally remove from heat and serve when tender. If you like you can sprinkle with Parmesan cheese to sort of pretty them up and give a little kick.

Blueberry Jello Salad - This is a tradition from my childhood. It was my favorite thing about thanksgiving dinner growing up. I love this jello.

INGREDIENTS
1 large box jello (blueberry, strawberry, or whatever you like)
1 regular size can crushed pineapple
1 can blueberry pie filling
8 oz. package cream cheese
1 cup whipping cream
1 tsp. vanilla
2 T. sugar
DIRECTIONS
Pour jello powder into 9x13 baking dish. Add 2 cups hot water onto jello and dissolve. Add pineapple w/ juice and pie filling. Refrigerate until set.
Bring cream cheese to room temperature. Beat cream and sugar and vanilla until it is a nice fluffy whipped cream. then mix in the softened cream cheese. Layer on top of jello. Refrigerate again.
Green salad  - just basic side salad-ness. Because if you add all the extras like cheese and such it will get soggy and then you have to throw it out and let me tell you your salad will not be totally eaten...not when there are so many other items to eat. So go simple and then have a healthy lunch ready to go the next day. I like to make homemade salad dressings for this: ranch, blue cheese, and a vinegrette. I make the dressings days before and I love having the left overs to use after he holiday for yummy salads.

Sweet Potatoes -

I need to find THE recipe for this. I never been in love with sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving but I don't dis-like them either. I like the way my father-inlaws family does them so maybe I will copy their way this year. But just as a side note when you have a baby this is their favorite thing to eat. :)

Pie-

of heavens, pie. to be honest I am not a big pie maker. They take so much time so that is the thing I delegate to others... Well I love love pumpkin pie so I always make sure to have a pumpkin pie.- plus that is an easy pie to make, or buy.:)  I think I will make an extra one so we have left overs of that one. But truly "You can bring a pie." is a favorite line of mine for my guests. That or rolls. My sister is doing both. Her hubby loves to make pies and she is buying us some lovely rolls and so I am glad to say those are covered. Phew!

******This is the place in my menu where I start to be filled with awe for my mother...how did she do it all!!! homemade everything every year! With two types of stuffing and five different pies, and rolls and fresh bread and then the items for the vegetarian crew so she has to make fried vegetarian meat too! Oh, my mom is going to heaven for all the service she has given us kids. bless her heart!

Relishes-

Cranny berry sauce - I am going to trader Joes and buying their nice kind. I wish I could make my own but I don't know w good recipe and to be honest I don't even like cranberry sauce very much and the canned kind is not happening so to Trader Joes we go! pickles (baby dill), olives (because when I was a kid we always had to put them on our fingers...its tradition!) , ...

Punch - I am going to do a fizzy cranberry and soda deal in the punch bowl like my mom did when I was growing up. We loved as kids helping make the punch and then getting to serve ourselves punch in our cute fancy cups.

Mashed Potatoes-

I need a potato masher and to get my mom's way of doing it...I cant remember if she did canned milk or just milk and butter and salt and pepper....need to check on that. If you have golden way please do tell!

What I need to buy for dessert: whipping cream for pies, and ice cream for pies, and egg nog.

A little healing from home

So this is probably too personal but often I wonder if people ever feel the way I feel and so maybe someone will read this and not feel so weird that they once felt this way....maybe it will help them heal too? Anyways, I don't know if this is real thing or not but I have been having total "genetic guilt". Like I feel bad that my children have so much of me in them and not more of their dad. The things I sort of hated or disliked or caused me pain growing up I saw my kids reflecting and I sort of freaked out about it. For a long time I just thought I'd be such a good parent that I could "parent away" their struggles,  these"weaknesses" that might cause them pain. But as I have been so sick and moving, and school has dummped on my family life I am failing at my super parenting ideals. I was left having to really deal with what was going on with me. It was so confusing to me. I loved my kids and to wish them different seemed so wrong (which I think it is) and then to not be loving the childhood me was weird and sad too, and then to sort of start feeling like I had a bad childhood was super depressing. I would go in these emotional circles. Guilt, Fear, sadness, guilt, sadness, over it, not over it all,....

 I took it to the Lord. I knew that if I couldn't deal with this and heal whatever nonsensical emotional drama I had created I would really hurt my kids hearts and that was not an option. So after several days of prayers I got a package in the mail. My mom and my sisters that lived close by her had gone through lots of disorganized pictures and memorabilia from all us kids. My mom thought we should have our little keepsakes to share with our own children. As I went through my box with Angeli and the boys my heart was healed. It was so kind of Heavenly Father to orchestrate that so the confussion could be completely wiped away. I saw all these pictures of me as a baby, toddler, and a school aged kid, my kindergarten report card, my artwork, pictures of me in a church talent show with my big sister Shayla, my orange cat I would hug so tight as a baby he would almost die...he was so patient with me, I read a letter from my brother Jason he had sent me from when he was on his mission when I was just in kindergarten and I remembered how tender he always was to me, and so on and so forth. Then the random pictures of my brother Adam and I cooking in the kitchen together, and me hugging my toddler best friend who lived next door and how we'd run around topless and play all day long...I can remember us talking about potty training! :O) We had so much fun. . I received some year books and as I read the letters my closest friends had written I was so touched at how they expressed how much of a difference I had made in their lives. I sort of fell in love with myself, my childhood, and the fact that there in these pictures, letters, artwork, report cards,... were the sweet emily-ish genes that my children were bursting with and that now for the first time in a long time that was not a bad thing any more.

I am so thankful for my inspired mother who raised me, loved me, fever was harsh or tempered with me and my sensitive soul, and how she adored my tender little heart even when I drew us as elephants together in the jungle she was the bog one and I was her baby. LOL  I am thankful for my husband who loves me exactly the way I am and all that I have ever been, and for my sweet sweet full of heart and creativity children that fill my life with meaning and joy. And lastly for my Father in Heaven. He is the best parenting example to me. He sent us here to grow knowing full well the awful things that would happen to us, that they would shape us and he did not fear. He sent His son. His son had to face His mission here on earth and he didn't want to have to suffer the atonement but He did and it was so worth it as it has saved us all. Because of the Atonement I have the comfort, and our Heavenly Father has the gift t of telling His children that it will all be okay. All can be healed, better times are yet ahead, and it will be worth it. When there are things so broken and scary the atonement is the only thing that can heal  and promise that as we continue it will be worth it and all will be resorted to us. As a parent that is the best comfort.

As I go forward with parenting I never want fear to guide my parenting. I believe in the goodness of my little ones and I know that pain and hardship are not to be feared they are what this chapter of our existence was meant to expose us to so that we can progress. so I want to parent with faith and peace and now with out self loathing and genetic guilt. My kids are like me and that can now be a beautiful thing to watch how they bloom in their very own way.

Mom, thank you for my healing box. You were inspired. :O) 

The more I parent the more the atonement becomes my most sacred and treasured gift. I thank God and Jesus Christ for it every day. 

Little fall highlights

Well, I haven't had much to blog about lately because we have been busy, sick a lot, and not doing much worth talking about. But there were two high lights from this Fall season that I wanted to share about. First, was our fall break. With the kids out of school and Stewart having a week off we wondered what we should do and alas with how tired, sick ,and poor we were we just kept it really simple. We road our bikes, Stewart cut me some wood decorations for Halloween which he loved getting his wood shop up and running again, we spent a day up on Mt. Lemmon and it was like heaven for me to be in nature - I need that regularly, went for our last chilly swim, we worked on little craft projects I had wanted to do, got a membership to the zoo and had a great day there, celebrated both my and Stewart's birthdays, and enjoyed the cooler temperatures. It was nice to take life at a slower pace and not feel so rushed and stressed about folding laundry, rushing to school, throwing together last minute preschool lessons , and all that daily stuff that is not very fun. It was needed R&R and we really enjoyed it.

  Another fun thing this fall was a fun visit from Grandma and Grandpa Rasmussen. It is hard for them to get away ans so we really appreciated their willingness to re-organize their lives to see us. It was a little funny that there was no Whitney with them...missed her. :( We had a lovely time. We went to the school Fall carnival, did our Saturday karate lessons and sports with the boys, took the kids to their primary program practice, went and did mini golf on Saturday, and then Sunday we enjoyed watching the kids in the primary program. Mom and Dad Ras always bring with them so much of a sweet spirit and it was nice to re-connect and be together again. The kids keep asking when they are coming again and when we will be going to see them and it is really sad to think it might not be until next summer. Bummer. But we are glad we had the time we did have with them.

Expelliarmus! Oh, and Happy Halloween too.

Well Halloween 2012 has come and gone. I was so happy with how well everything went! It was such a hectic day and I was praying almost constantly that it would all go well and it did. So grateful. Here is the quick play by play of the craziness...So Halloween morning I woke up early and actually put makeup on...big deal these days, and we were off! First it was to the babysitters for the Ben and Gen to get baby sat. Then we raced to the school where I dropped the kids off and then busily go to work setting up for the first grade Halloween bash. It went well. I didn't want all the classes together but oh, well. It was fun even though it wasn't as fun  as it could have been. Then it was time to quickly clean up everything and race to the babysitters to get the Ben and Gen, get them food at the gas station (awesome), and then to the next babysitters. Then I was racing back to the school to set up for Angeli's class party. The class came back from lunch we helped them into their costumes and took the class picture. We partied until school was out. Then we cleaned up, loaded the big kids up and raced to the babysitters again to pick up the exhausted Gen and Ben. Then we headed home and unloaded the van, got it cute for the trunk or treat, Stew surprised me with getting home early enough to help get he kids ready, and we were racing to the trunk or treat. At the end of that we headed home and did some door to door trick or treating in our neighborhood. All this was done with my Zofran having run out the day before, blows my mind that I made it through. I was Tired!, Happy!, Grateful it went so well!, and Relieved it was done with!

I think the kids had a lovely day. They really were the cutest things ever. And we found that trick or treating in Tucson is weird. It is so dark here. They have "light pollution" laws here so no street lights in residential areas and in our neighborhood the houses are spread out and rather far back on their lots and not the brightest of lights so it was really dark. and we found ourselves repeating to the  kids, "stay on the walkways or you might walk into a cactus." Its odd that we had to be saying that to our kids. But I have to say trick or treating in temps that weren't freezing was the awesome. I was in a sun dress and flip flops. Hello how nice is that!?!?!

So enough of me and my experiences here are the cutest Harry Potter, Hermione, Ron, and Hedwig the world has ever seen! 

  This was taken as I pretended to toot.... classless I know. they were dieing...but it got a cute picture. :)

 This picture really  was that way on its own...they are disapparating! I loved that. 

 Hedwig

 it's that tie cute? I asked Stew to make one for her and he did...love him, love her. btw by the time I moved the owl hair out of her eye she was not holding still at all for me anymore. so sorry her eye is covered up!

Hermione 

 

Ron

Isn't Ben's hair just too much...he loved it!

 

Harry Potter

 

This was her first Halloween where she got to really do it all by herself. She loved it. She couldn't believe people were really handing out candy.  I am not sure if there is a better holiday for toddlers!

And the kids loved the doughnut eating contest and the pinata. What fun ideas that our other church trunk or treats never did before. So fun. 

with every move

with every move I end up going through this stage after about 6 months, give or take a little, where I just want to move back to wherever I was before. I just burn out of being "new" and get really homesick. I know its just how I am every time....when I moved to Burbank, when I moved to Provo, when I moved to Reno, and now when I moved to Tucson. I know its just a phase I have to go through but I sure hate this phase. I feel guilty for feeling this way when there are so many kind welcoming people in my life. If my kids weren't in school I'd pack us up and head to my parents for a week or two. Oh, well it will pass and by our year mark I will feel better about living here. But for today I am really missing all the old comforts and friends I used to have. Heavens it'd feel good to go to a girls night with all my friends like the old days and have a play date with kids my kids are really friends with. hmmmm. Sigh, I better go get preschool ready they'll be here in 30 minutes and I still have the post Halloween clean up to do from last night...and my kids were adorable last night I might add. I hope I got some good pictures I'll be able to share with you. ;O)