pending change

The level of pending change in my life is tremendous. (the never ending pending sale of our house, the pending move, the pending buying of a new car, the pending trip to Tucson to pick out a rental home, pending pregnancy,....) I am so not good at being patient about it all. I cant wait until its time to actually act instead of waiting and trying to prepare. I just have to remember that it all comes in the Lord's timing and His timing is the always the best.

My best friend since I was 6 months old called me today and we were talking about our lives and how we both are in this odd limbo. We likened it to the Lord telling you that you have something great in store waiting for you down the road but then he blind folds you. He simply says "Walk".  You feel the spirit whisper that you must remember that the Lord is there by your side, that he is guiding you, and He will not let you get lost. And so you start to walk and there are obstacles that make you wonder if He is being as attentive and you think he should. But then at times you can feel him guide you,sometimes barley enough to keep you going. And all the while you just want to rip off the blind fold and run to reach your destination.

That is me this week. I am tentatively walking. We are making these huge decisions and I earnestly pray we are making the right choices.

Spring Break: Las Vegas

So early in the AM we, the Laings and I, loaded up our vans and headed to Vegas. We made great time and stopping in St. George to get Gas I decided to take the kids to the Dinosaur Museum and The Laings headed to D.I. The museum was fun, smaller then I had hoped but it was fun for the kids to get out and explore a little bit and then there was an outdoor sand box type thing were you could dig for dinosaur tracks and we played in that for a while and the Dogs even got to run around a bit. I thought it was funny that at this Dino museum one of their big claims to fame is that it is one of the worlds only known dinosaur bum impressions! LOL Its neat on a scientific side as then can see how they sat but funny to think that tons of people come to look at some animals butt impression. Too funny.

Then it was on to Grandma and Grandpa's house. We had a great time together. We played at the institute, Dad Ras borrowed a bounce house from a friend that the kids loved, we did a Hot dog roasting and smore night, played games, took Ben to Urgent Care (not Fun), went to the park, and stayed up at night giggling while we huddled in the corner of house to try not and wake Great Grandma Ras since we knew it wouldn't be pretty if we woke her and she thinks she's been left out of some sort of party.  - least you think we are mean... we offer her to join in with us but she says she's too tired and goes to bed and then forgets that we offered and comes out feeling badly that we are having fun without her. We love her like crazy, it must be so frustrating to not remember 99% of the things that happen to you everyday - moment to moment your memory fails you. What a hard thing. But we try to have a sense of humor about it while we try to be  compassionate and helpful to her too. Bless my mother-in-law's heart. I have learned so much about love, charity, and service from her watching her take care of her mother-in-law. If we all didn't need her so much she'd be translated by now. no joke.

The cousins loved it, the grown up kids loved, I hope the grandparents loved it too. We all had a fun time on our fun trip. :O) Viva Las Vegas!

Spring Break: Utah

 We were excited to head to Utah for some long overdue family time. It was stressful getting out the door this time. Twice I almost said we aren't going but lucky for me I had Stewart home early and he made everything fall into place. And we were so glad we went despite all the stress involved. Stewart had a golden weekend with two days off back to back, yes that is pathetic that that is a really exciting thing. He had to work 14 days straight to get it that way but we really wanted to take a trip to Utah before we moved and we knew Easter weekend, also the weekend Liz was blessing her baby, and the start of the kids spring break was the perfect time to go. So off we went. It was a treat to not have to worry about putting together and a making Easter special. Mom Ras, Grandma Larsen, Liz, and Becca did that for us. Bless their hearts!

On Saturday we spent the day at Grandma Larsen's. We dyed eggs, made bunny ears for all the kids, did an Easter egg hunt, played the kinects, decorated cupcakes, walked to our nostalgic Lion spark, tear. played ball, played it the stream, and sun bathed. It was a lovely day. I was so excited to meet baby Harlow. He is so sweet and cute. I loved holding a new born. I LOVE babies. Eee! I am an addict. It was so sweet to see Liz as a mommy and Nathan as a daddy. They are the cutest happiest little family ever. What a blessed little baby he is!

The Next day was Easter and blessing day. I loved being at Becca's so we could have the cousins all together and it was really fun to stay in their new beautiful house.  We basically had the basement to ourselves and seeing how it is the same size as our current house we were very comfortable! LOL :O) Easter morning we watched a spiritual little movie about the real meaning of Easter and then we lined the kids up youngest to oldest and they got their baskets and scattered Easter eggs. They were all so cute.

Then we rushed to get everyone ready for 9am church. And we did it, we were early even. go us! :O) the blessing was so sweet and we were glad to be there. After sacrament we headed over to the Provo cemetery to see Grandpa Rasmussen's grave. We talked about how because of the Atonement he and everyone that ever lived would be resurrected. It was neat. Then we took the kids home to change and then back to Liz's house for an Easter "linner". It was so nostalgic to be hanging out in "Grandma and Grandpa's" house just like old times. tear. After we ate it was time for Stew to fly back home. I was so sad he had to leave. But I guess a mans got to do what a mans got to do.We really missed him the rest of the trip.

 

 

 Then on Monday I headed to BYU where I met up with my Smith peeps. I got to see my oldest brother Bob, and his kids Ryan, Jared, Janine, his daughter in law Emily, and his grandson. Its still weird that my brother is a grandfather! I also got to meet up with Liz and Nathan too.  It was really fun to see everyone. I love hanging out with Bob, he gets me in my deep analytical conversations that is so Smith-ish and so it feels so homey to be with him. With all my siblings, when I get to see then after a long time apart I end up geeking out that these amazing people are related to be. We all look so different and have such varied ages its just so cool and they are all such amazing cool people. I'll keep thinking no one would think they are my siblings but they are! That is so cool that I am related to a big shot at BYU law school, a major surfer who lives in HB, a Air Force special intelligence guy, a dance teacher, a nurse, a major hospital maintenance manager, an engineer to be, a poet, and so on and so forth. I am so lucky to be able to claim them! Anyways, It was so crazy trying to keep track of the kids, and Genevieve was tired and sick and hungry so it was seriously crazy so I didn't bust out the camera. But I wish I had. :( I bought the kids some BYU gear and showed them around campus. I want to indoctrinate them early! and I am only half way joking here. :O) Plus I got myself some very needed Down East at the book store. yay! After we left campus I took the kids to see the Provo Temple in keeping with our family tradition to see the temple when on vacations. It was a really nice way to end our day out and about. And as a side note, I love how many American Flags you see in Utah. :O)

Later that night Becca hosted a Family home evening with our families and Aunt Mary Anne's family. It was so sweet of Mary Anne to come out to see us. It was crazy to see how grown up her family is getting. We roasted hot dogs and made smores and had a really great time. I once again didn't get out the camera. The single mom thing and how clingy Genevieve was being sort of killed my pictures taking energy. But once again I wish I had . :( By this point Becca and I had decided we wanted to trek down to Las Vegas for the rest of our Spring Breaks. So we planned to spend one more day having fun and then we'd head down on Wednesday BUT Genevieve had different plans.

I woke up Wednesday morning to her very labored breathing. She was really sick. I called Stewart and had him listen to her over the phone and he said I needed her to be seen asap. LeGrand gave her a blessing and Becca and I headed over to the close by Urgent care. Her oxygen level was 88% and her breaths per minute were 80 BPM. The nurse told us we'd probably be taking her to the hospital. But when we saw the doctor he recommended a breathing treatment to see if that would help and it did. He oxygen jumped up to 90% and her breaths slowed. I was so grateful and I was glad Becca was there with me because if she wasn't I would have been sobbing, but with her there I kept it together. It was like deja vu from her RSV when she was 11 days old. So the rest of the day was giving her breathing treatments, talking on the phone with my realtor with house drama, doing laundry and packing to leave the next day. Out went all my grand plans of doing Harlow's impressions, and seeing other extended family. bummer. By the end of the long long day I was deciding I would never go on a vacation again without Stew....four kids and two puppies and one mom is not a good ratio when the kids average age is 3.8.But I was just so glad Genevieve was okay. then I was up at 5 am to drive my kids to Vegas. yeah I was tired. Especially with waking up every hour because I was scared Genevieve wasn't breathing well enough so I had to go check on her. It was long but not long enough sort of night! LOL

In all I had forgotten how pretty Utah was and it was sooo nice to be with loved ones again. It was weird how at home we felt driving by the old apartments we lived in and going to lions park, going to the Provo temple and BYU...it was very nostalgic for me and it felt like we had never left. I will always have a very special place in my heart for Provo. It hosted one of the happiest times of my life, falling in love with Stewart and starting our little family. Its where the best decision of my life took place. I loved remembering those memories. Las Vegas will come as Spring Break: Vegas. :O)

On this Early Morning I've been reflecting

Life is so interesting. I have been on such an emotional and spiritual journey lately. Everything in my world has been in some form of change or struggle and it has been really a growing experience for me that I didn't even know I needed. It's been sort of a yin yang sort of growing. I have been gaining a very deep appreciation for myself and my divine nature. This deep sense of my Heavenly Father's love for me individually. But then in contrast I feel as though He has been ever so gently pointing out lots of areas where I need to improve, to grow, and be a better person. humbling.

Or in mothering, I have had some serious challenges with my children this year. I have spent more time on my knees by my bed pouring my heart out to the Lord and begging for guidance in how to mother and help them then ever before. And then with that has come this widening and deepening of love for them and a much more fine tuned sense of their divine nature and I love them more then I ever have before. I didn't think there was room to love them more but I guess there was. The concern and worry for them balanced with this love and sense of their divine nature has been an edifying contrast.

In almost every aspect of my life I have had a similar experience. A greater sense of love, joy, and growth with the balance of humility, realizing how much help I need, and a trial.

I guess the good, the joy, the love, the understanding, the improved insight is what comes from trials. My trials have been so very personal. Not the type to blog about or even tell anyone besides really your spouse or in my case my sister and mother who are my part time therapists! Bless their hearts for listening to me almost everyday! LOL

But it has been a miraculous time for me personally and as a family. I've been in this quite refiners fire and I feel humbled, though a bit more refined too, and I recognize I am still in the midst of it and that this will be needed throughout my life. So humbling to realize. But I am excited about the future. I am filled with gratitude that the Lord is my teacher and refiner. There is peace that comes from knowing that He is in charge, that I am on His path, and that my family is on his path also. And with that I have the reassurance that the future will be great.

I wonder what I and my family will be like in five years as our Tucson years are complete? Our Reno days are quickly coming to an end and it seems so very long ago that we moved here.

I am so excited to re-listen to conference. Everything I prayed about for extra guidance was provided to me in those amazing talks. And Pres. Uchtodorfs talk was an answer to me that I didn't know I needed either. But as humbling as it is to realize that when you thought you were great in that department ( :O) yikes!) is that I am glad to know it. So I can be happier and a better friend and family member. It really was the answer to my prayers in a way I never knew I needed.

Anyways, I am not sure what this post is really about but I felt like my blog needed an update and this is what is going on in my life. I guess in a way its odd to grow and change as a person when you are completely removed from any family. As I prepare for our trip to see family I think " Wow, I have been changing so much, I wonder how they have changed too?". Its sad to me on some level to think that. I am sad that my children are growing up with no family member to watch and love them too. I am sad I am so uninvolved in the lives of the people I love the most outside of my own little family. My Ward is my family in the regard. They are the people that serve me all the time, know where I will be and when, the ones who help me survive church without a husband, the ones who ask me "how was your day?", and I in-turn try to serve them too. I will miss them so much my heart just aches thinking about it. With my blood family I realize a large majority have very little idea whats going on in my life and I hate that I have no idea whats going on in theirs and that makes me sad. I wish I could be apart of their ward! :O) I wish I could offer to babysit so they can go to the temple, or plan play dates with the cousins,...dreaming. :O) Everyone is so busy you don't have time to be "close" to everyone in your family when your families are as huge as mine are. but I wish I could. The cool thing about family is that when the big stuff hits. when disasters and storms and illness strike they are the ones that carry you the most. Even if they are thousands of miles away. Its their prayers and deep love that make so much difference. Yes, they cant bring meals, but they offer their hearts. Its so neat to watch that happen when it does. But I'd rather have us get closer together in reunions rather then babies with serious heart surgeries or siblings with major life crisis!!! ;O) I think we need more family get-togethers! But with that I am excited I get to see some family soon! yippee! :D) Just four sleeps.

So if you read my blog and don't like the serious here are some coming attractions:

- Utah trip: Easter, baby Harlow baby blessing, visit to BYU, hanging with the Ras crew, Hanging with the Larsen crew, hanging with the Smith crew, hanging with my Utah family! :O)

- family pictures - I hope! We need one with Genevieve! It is going to be an interesting experience! LOL

Have a good day!