I just wanted to share my feelings I had this thanksgiving. I slept in, never happens, NEVER! Said hello to all the beautiful family I was lucky enough to be with and then went for a six mile run. I went on the run I used to do everyday along the Provo river trail. It was a really pretty sunny day and it felt so good to be back and have the flood of memories wash over me. It was nice to think through where time has brought us since those days when I would run that same trail everyday. As I ran I thought how my cup was truly running over with blessings. I am so grateful for all the things I have in my life. I sometimes think I am the luckiest girl in the world. :O) The entire weekend I was incredibly happy to have our daddy with us again. It is the best thanksgiving wish I could ask for. I hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving too!
Last night we did a Family Home Evening on being Thankful. We read D&C 59:7 " Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things." When Bridger gave our closing prayer he prayed that he was thankful that Angeli was "sick" and that "her eyes were a little bit red." After his prayer I started to correct him and told him we don't thank Heavenly Father for things like being sick. But then that scripture sort of replayed in my mind. Stewart (via the cell phone) said he thought we should just let it go and let our son give "thanks [to] the Lord thy God in things". Later that night I began to think of how very grateful I was for some great blessings in my life that aren't really the most sot after things.
Familial Distance: Not living close to any family has been really good for us. We have become our own. We are more self sufficient and can throw together a wonderful Christmas dinner or Easter feast invite our ward family over and have a great time. We can turn to our friends for help. Before we always went to family but now we have to call on our friends and that has really made our relationships outside of our family so much stronger. Our ward really is like family to us. We look out for them and they look out for us.
Spousal Separation: People often say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Its true. I feel like our love for each other has tripled this year. Never before have I adored, cherished, and appreciated Stewart more. I feel every moment I have with him is a gift.
No Men Muscles: I have had to become more self sufficient and strong while Stewart is away. There is no waiting for Stew to come home to take out the mountain of trash, no "Daddy will fix it when he gets homes". Its just little old me. I have to say I feel really good about myself that I can be the daddy and the mommy when I have to be. Its not easy but I know when it is required of me I can step up to the plate and hit a home run.
Nomads: We have had more time with our family members this year then we have had in a long time. It was really good to have so much time to be with our loved ones. It was hard to be away and be scattered but it was nice to feel what it was like to live at home again. To help moms with dinner every night, to greet my dad when he came home late from work and to watch our kids get to know and love their grandparents, aunts, uncles,and cousins better. I cant imagine us having that opportunity in many other ways.
Poverty: We have always been frugal but since med school we had to learn to live on entirely new levels of frugality. It has been really good for us. We have come to appreciate the simple ways to have fun even more, to budget down to the penny, and how to find peace of mind with placing our money troubles on the Lord. He has always provided for us. Always.
Needing Miracles: Over the past years we have really needed miracles. Never before have I seen so many small and large miracles. I know we are as well off as we are today because of the miracles that happen on a daily basis. Unexpected checks that come just in time, packages filled with clothes for the kids, cars given to us, friends calling right on cue to offer to watch the kids, Christmas mysteriously delivered to our doorstep, praying for clients and then getting phone calls the next day, ward members helping us build a fence donating dozens of hours and tools making the impossible a reality,... Every step of the way miracles have been getting us through. The faith we have grown from that is tremendous. These miracles are edifying and extremely humbling.
Endless School: Our entire married life has been governed by our school schedule. It has been nice to have a husband in school. He is always learning and able to work toward something he cares deeply about. Its a little lame to be working at a huge loss, but it is so rewarding to know we are going somewhere and not at a stand still.
There are so many things that are not the sort of things people day dream about but when they enter our lives they eventually leave us stronger, better, and happier. I am thankful for all these things because they add up to today and I really do believe that today is the greatest.
Stewart we know you sort of have a day off today and that those are the days you miss us the most. So we thought you might like seeing the Little Rascals playing together. :O) Study hard! Just five days until we get to see you!
I just wanted to say when you live far from all extended family and your husband leaves to go to school across the state for six weeks it is hard. That life with too many things to do is terrible without a husband , and that preparing for all the holidays/and a three week long vacation with no husband, and too much to do is absolutely painful.
The other night after I survived my twilight party catering I lay in bed coming down from my panic attack and felt so exhausted. Like that kind of exhausted you only have after you have had a baby or something. Like every drop of you physically and emotionally is spent. I was relived it was over, excited to see what my future would hold (its got to be better right?), a little too tried to really think of all the work ahead of me, and really just so empty of all energy. I was aching so badly for a big hug - as if I really needed someone to help give me some strength but I knew I would just have to find it somewhere in myself because there is no other way. I don't know what I would do without my faith in my Savior and Heavenly Father. I would not be okay at all. I am so grateful that when I need to be more then I am they lift some of the burdens so I can keep going.
I have been in awe of single mothers. Plus, I think I understand why some of the many people who aren't like me are not like me. Trying to do everything all at once can be a real personal disaster if it really is more then you can handle. I am going to learn how to say "no" which is hard because I HATE letting people down. I just want people to be happy. BUT I need to stay sane and coherent because my children rely on me for everything.
I have all these plans (drive to Utah, drive to Vegas, drive to LA, go to Disney land, drive to phoenix, come home throw our primary activity the next day, be alive for church on Sunday with teacher training), and then survive the weeks till my husband comes home again. - um, it feels not fun at all right now - well, that is not true. The things in and of themselves sound wonderful but when I think about what it means for me to be there and to have my family there all alive and everything it feels not worth it anymore. I am wondering why I have signed up for these things. I fantasize about changing it all and canceling it all. But for what? So I can be here alone? That is terrible too in its own way. Its sort of like I have to pick my pain: do more then I should make myself do or be alone, feel left out, and carry the weight of my responsibilities while I battle loneliness. I will go on my vacation and it will be better then I think but I guess I will just need a lot of hugs when I get there. All I want is to be home and have some peace and have my Stewart there. I just want to be able to take a deep breath and have no fear of any more panic attacks. This is newer for me. I usually am up for a party, heck I am usually the one throwing them, but these days I just want to be all together with my family again, my own little family. ah. :)
So I am sorry to vent but I really needed to voice my feelings. It helps to think someone out there knows what I am feeling.
*this is not meant to be "I have it the worst!" or written because I want people to pity me or anything like that. Its just my expressing the hardships I am facing and how I am dealing with them. I know there are people with bigger trials on their plates, I get that. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am just knowing and expressing that things are harder then they are easy when I don't have people to really talk to about this sort of stuff as much as I need (you know the hubby gone and all). It's no more, no less.
Sometimes it alarms me how similar my Bridger is to me. He certainly has his wild side that I sort of lack but in most ways he is a mini-me. One of the most common stories I hear about my childhood was how I prayed. I was the prayer giver at our house and I would say long, thoughtful, and very personal prayers. I remember my sister helping me say my prayers at night and I was going on about how I was worried for Holly because her parents were getting a divorce and I was crying and everything...I was in kindergarten. I was a dramatic compassionate kid eh?!?! Well, our Bridger has become the prayer giver at our house because he demands it so. He always wants to say the prayer and he says many personal prayers throughout the day. Several times a day when he is distressed, gets hurt, sees that his mommy is distressed, is sad, or really excited about something he takes a moment to pray. Yesterday he prayed that his mommy would be nice after He had gotten in trouble, the day before he prayed that we would not be late to church, he always prays that Angeli will sleep in her bed all night for three nights in a row so she can earn her paper dolls...Everyday there are several things he prays for but usually his prayers are thanks. Thanks for his blue cup, our table, his hot dog, mac and cheese, his baby, that its a wonderful day, ... It is so fun to hear him talk to his Heavenly Father with so much faith and friendship. I am grateful for his example.
Some of his prayers:
Last night Angeli was scared and said she thought bad guys were outside our house. I told her that there weren't any bad guys outside our house and that Heavenly Father sends angels to stand watch outside our house so that we will be perfectly safe. Bridger was intrigued that I said that. He said he really wanted to see them. I told him I thought that would be nice to see an Angel. Next thing I know he is huddled in the hall praying, "Dear Heavy a Fader, thank you for angles to be outside our house. Please help me to see angels..." after his prayer he ran to me, "Mom, I am going to see angels!" :O) Its funny to me because I cant even tell you how many times I prayed as a child that I could see angels. my boy.
He has said multiple prayers that, "We will have more babies. A girl baby! Then we can buy a new house that is big with stairs that go up up up! Wooop!"(along with his sound effects he motions up with his arms) - he asked me the other day if we could get a new house that was big like his friend's new house and I explained that our house fit us perfectly. So he decided that if we had some more babies we wouldn't fit anymore and we'd have to buy a new BIGGER house! Crazy kid. Maybe I should explain that we need a lot of money too! I wonder if his cries for money would get us some more cash flow? LOL :O)
Tonight the kids were fighting over who would get to pray. They each got a turn but once one would pray for something the other insisted that they have the chance to pray for it too. One of Bridger's prayers, "Dear Heavy Fader, thank you for my go to Rachael's house before I go to Mama's house then thank you I go to Mama Smith's house, thank you I go to Disneyland, then thank you I going to Bethany's house. Help Benjie to get all better. Thank you daddy didn't die in the car crash, that daddy car got all broken and that we can buy a new car..." - we went over our itinerary with the kids thus his many thanks. We also told them about Stew's little car crash in which he and the car were fine but Bridger imagined something much more dramatic.
The other day I exclaimed how cute our baby was and Bridger thought it worth praying about, "Dear Heavy Fader, Thank you for my baby brother. Thank you he's so cute. Thank you Benjie learned to walk..."
I survived the baby shower! Now I just have to last through the Thanksgiving party, and Twilight party! :O) The baby shower was a big success. Here are my latest sweet treats and my new favorite baby shower games. Yes, we even got compliments on the games.
The invite: Thank you Picasa! It cost me like four bucks to get 4o invites made. Import a Google image add text and there you have it! And people even thought they were cute. so easy, so fast, so cheap!
The Treats:
The topping is whipped cream...I used my mom's trick to help the whipped cream keep it's shape. It totally worked. These pics were taken four hours after I pipped the cream on the tarts! Thanks mom! You add 1/2 cup sour cream to two cups whipped cream. I used Daisy brand because it is the least tart. The easiest and best tarts I have made yet...just use filo dough! PERFECT and EASY!
The Games:
Baby Shower Candy Match
1.) Umbilical cord = Super Rope
2.) Girl = Baby Ruth
3.) Breast Milk = Milky Way
4.) Boy = Junior Mints
5.) Baby Laughs = Snickers
6.) Triplets = Three Musketeers
7.) Twins = Double Mint Gum
8.) Father = Sugar Daddy
9.) Epidural = Lifesavers
10.) Night of Conception = Score
11.) Breasts = Mounds
12.) Day of Delivery = Pay Day
13.) Hospital Bill = 100 Grand
14.) Contractions = Whoppers
15.) Non-lactating breasts = Milk Duds
16.) Baby Kiss = Kisses
17.) Congratulations = Hugs
18.) New Born = Sugar Baby
19.) Tiny Toes = Tootsie Rolls
Celebrity Baby Guessing Game
(top, left to right) Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Meg Ryan, Ricki Martin,
Jimi Hendrix, Nicole Kidman, Janet Jackson, Usher
We all had a fun time. 10 till the baby shower the kids and I were still in our PJs. I was stressing out big time. I told the kids to hurry and get clothes since we were going to be late to the baby shower I was throwing. Bridger said, "Mommy, lets say a prayer." Then he folded his arms and prayed that we would hurry, and get to the party on time. It was very sweet. By some miracle we got there in time to set everything up before anyone else arrived. I am counting it as a blessing from Bridger's prayer.
This is one of those post I am posting for the daddy so he doesn't get too homesick for us. :O)
So I was feeling a little lonely and wishing I had some where to go or something fun to do. So was Bridger. He was listing places we could go to: the library, Sam's house,...so I decided although it is something we usually do with daddy as our resident fort builder I thought we would give it a go. We had a fort - movie-slumber party in the living room. We set up the air mattress, built our fort, popped popcorn, tried to rent a movie but ended up just watching one of ours, and spending the night together in the living room in our fort. Bridger kept exclaiming. "Mom, this is so much FUN!" We checked on-line to see what our local RedBox had and loaded up into the car to go rent the movie they set their hearts on. They were so excited they insisted that we call dad to tell him all about our "VERY FUN PARTY!", but the RedBox was out of service when we got there. I was proud of the kids because even though they were very disappointed they didn't make a fuss that we had to party without Dora's Christmas Carol. :O) Here are the pics for the daddy. I am so glad my kids our mine. They make life so much fun.
One of the great things about being a stay at home lady is that you get to be your own boss. Not that you don't have a million demands from your dependents constantly but nonetheless you decide how you will take care of all your responsibilities and what "extras" you will sign up for. Now this can be a really fabulous blessing or a major curse. It depends on what kind of boss you are to yourself. Lately I have been a terrible boss. I keep adding more and more to my to-do list. I want to blame others but the reality is that it is all me. I have been waiting for someone to come and advocate for me and take away my heavy load but there is no one to do that for me but myself. I am the one and only boss. If I was a hired employee and my boss required me to do all that I require of myself I would absolutely QUIT! They would be completely unfair and unreasonable. So I am giving myself my two week notice. For the next two weeks I am going to do all the things I am already over committed to do and then I am done. Then I will be the best boss I could ever ask for and I will not make myself do anything I would not ask another person to do.
Now I know this might sound like a contradiction after reading my "motto" post but it is what it is. I can only dig so deep for things that are secondary to my family's welfare. I realized that the joy I had that day only came after I put my family first and set aside my Christmas gifts, service projects, and event planning. They often say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I mean well with all I want to do...I want to be so many wonderful things and do so many wonderful things for others but if I am distracted by all these "goods" I may just destroy what really matters most. When my children reflect back on their childhood I don't want them to first reply that I was beautiful, a great cook, or whatever I want them to say "My mother loved me." - I never want them to feel that they were just burdens taking me away from my more important work. There is nothing more important then them. Nothing.
Bridger is the man of the house these days and he has been so important to our functioning lately. Can I just say what a difference almost 4 is from three?!?!? It is huge. My boy has been such a big helper. He is right there when I call "clean up time". He is the first one to get the tooth brushes out at night time, he is sweet to Benjamin, he helps set the table, he gets dressed all by himself, he always is there to play with me, he can vacuum for me, helps keep track of Benjamin and Angeli for me when we are out and about, and best of all he always gives me hugs and kisses when I need them the most. Daddy, you've got a good man taking care of us while you are gone.
This is when Stewart was giving Bridger instructions right before he left for Vegas. I love these men.
I seem to have little mottoes for the different chapters of my life. They come from the whisperings of the Spirit that I seem to hear over and over again in my heart and my mind during that period of time. My latest motto has become "Dig Deep with Joyful Courage". I have come to think of it as empowering myself to chose to be happy and to meet the challenges in front of me. I have often gone to the Lord in prayer with a heavy heart and come to the conclusion that I am strong enough to not stress it, that I must pick myself up and get to work. I am to decide to not worry because I cant afford to spend my time on it. This is a little new for me. I am one to embrace my feelings. I like to mull them over and come to an emotional resolution and usually feel that I have grown and am better for it. But these days its not so. I just don't have the emotional space to do that anymore. I have got to get going and let those emotions diminish on their own. I started a daily journal to help me in this. When I feel weighed down by something I type it up, get it out, and then get on with my day. It has been really helpful. Life is going so quickly and I want to live every moment of it and not waste my precious time. Tonight I had to do just this. I had some hitch surface about the thing I am putting on this weekend = stress, the house was a disaster even though it had been spotless just that morning, the kids didn't eat the dinner I cooked and made a huge mess with it (Angeli spilled my juice all over the table and Bridger grabbed a handful of crackers crushed them in his hand and then threw them in the air, Bnejie was a standard 11 month old and had half his food on him,the floor, and his high chair), I had spent most the day doing ceramics with Bridger's preschool class = work for no pay, the kids had been fighting all day long and crying all most non-stop, and I was so tired. I called Stewart and unloaded a little bit. Then my phone battery died.
I sat there for a moment I wanted to cry BUT that feeling came over me. It seemed to say, "Emily you can do this and it will make you very happy to just dig deep and do it." So I plopped myself down in the middle of the living room and the kids came to me like a magnet. I held all three of them as they jockeyed for the most lap space and we laughed and talked. We wrestled, cuddled, and played until they had their fill. I followed with a little Family Home Evening lesson. Then I got busy cleaning the house, getting the kids in their jammies and brushing their teeth, and ran several loads of laundry.
Later when Stewart called he couldn't believe all that I had gotten done. I felt triumphant and capable. We did scriptures, prayers, and story time with Daddy over the phone. Wished daddy good night and gave our "family kisses" to each other. I tucked my babies into bed and was able to smile about my day. I had dug deep and found joy.
I only hope my next motto can be "Sit Back and Take in The View!" ;O)
Those were the parting words from Bridger. :O) Stewart left today. He is starting his OB/GYN rotation. The kids kept asking why daddy had to go to school at Grandma's house. Honestly we didn't have the greatest answers for them. I finally just told them it was because it is the best place for daddy to learn how to help mommies have their babies. They thought it was rather cool that daddy would get to help out with something as exciting as having babies. He'll be in Vegas for six weeks. The kids and I will be here until Thanksgiving and then we will drive to Utah where we will be together to celebrate Thanksgiving day. After that we will follow him back to Vegas to celebrate Benjamin's first birthday. That was one thing we were not going to let him miss out on. After our celebrating is done the kids and I will drive home to wait out the remaining three weeks until he returns home. I am feeling a mixture of feelings right now: sadness, courage, weakness, gratefulness, tiredness and energy. I just have to decide to let the positive feelings prevail. Its only two weeks till we see him again so I know I wont miss him too too terribly but seriously, driving to Utah by myself with three kids, setting up our Christmas without him, being a single 24/7 parent to three littles, and keeping up with sharing time, planning our primary quarterly activity, baby shower throwing, ceramics, my catering thing I started, hosting play group, getting my Christmas projects done...I feel overwhelmed. I am just praying I can have the peace of mind to do the most important thing - be my babies mommy. Stewart, work hard so you can play when we come to town! Till then we miss you and love you!
Did you know that Benjamin is one month away from his first birthday? I am rather aware and I am freaking out about it. How did we get to this point? How has time flown so fast? When did I recover from birth? When did he learn to hold his own bottle? When did he learn how to pat my back? When did he turn into a toddler? Oh, I know I say this way too often but I am sad life is going this fast. I want to take a short break to just capture this perfect time with my babies that aren't really babies anymore.
What this kid has had fun doing this past month: - he found his complaining SCREAM - he mastered walking in time for his daddy to see before he leaves again - grown in more teeth - fell in love with hot dogs - perfected his signature dance move - how to climb on top of the coffee table - realized that some objects are not fun to suck on - he had his first Halloween bringing about the discovered joy of Dumb Dumbs and Smarties - learned how to do high fives - insists on feeding the feeder....I feed him some food but after awhile he fusses until I give him the spoon (with food on it) and what does he do with it? He doesn't feed himself he feeds me. As you can guess his quality of food has gone up a notch. :O) - established that Sundays are only operated on his terms....yes, we are major hall walkers these days - just seven months till nursery!
We love him so very much. Cant even imagine life without him.
So I have been playing! I am trying to master cute baking. Yes, that means mini. I have always loved to cook and bake but it has always been with the focus on taste not cuteness. Recently I decided to try my hand at making a little money catering small events and thus I thought I should work on making my stuff pretty, mini, and still very yummy. Yesterday I got to work experimenting and playing with mini cupcakes. But that is not all. We bought a new camera. Its not fancy or anything but it is an upgrade and so I have had fun trying to take better food pictures as well. Here is what I got. These are my banana muffins/cupcakes topped with my favorite rich butterscotch frosting. I was trying to get everything figured out: the right consistency for the frosting, the right fill for the cupcake cups, the right bake temperature, the right bake time, if they were better when filled with cream,...So these are some of my experiments with mini cupcakes and my new camera. I think we made some progress. So much fun.
These two play, talk, fight, race, plan, scheme, cuddle, jump, pretend, share, horde, color, hide, seek, build, dress, eat, sleep, bathe, clean, make messes, whine, and cheer together all day long. They are each others best friend.Every time we pick Bridger up from preschool they run to each other and embrace shouting, "I missed you!" It is very fun to watch. I will always maintain that one of the best gifts I ever gave them was each other. I think they would have to agree with me. :O)
One day as we were on our way to school Bridger saw the big yellow school bus parked by the side of the school. He asked me longingly, "Mom, someday can I ride on a school bus?" I explained that someday he would get to ride a school bus that it would probably be in a long time so he would have to be patient. He said, "Ok, mom." and was a little sad to hear me squash his hopes of a bus ride. I took him into the cafeteria and signed him in when his teacher told me that they had just made plans to go a on field trip to the local pumpkin patch. I immediately asked if they would be riding on the bus. She said they would be. I was so excited to tell Bridger and he was even more excited when I told him he'd get to ride on the school bus soon. When the day finally arrived he was so ecstatic. Angeli was sad she couldn't go and she made sure we stood there and waved to all the kids goodbye (she did get to go to our play group Halloween party though so her sadness was short lived). Bridger sat next to his teacher on the bus and she later told me that the entire drive he kept poking her on her arm to tell her how fun if was to be riding on the "big yellow school bus". I was such the dorky mom taking pictures and beaming for my boy going on his first field trip and riding on the school bus for the first time. Oh, I cant believe he is already having these grow up experiences. Time is flying!
He had to ride in his car seat on the bus. It made me laugh that he had to do that; such a big boy and yet still so very young. He didn't care at all though. As you can clearly see...
Hi, I'm Emily. My life is made up of my totally handsome hubby who is busy surviving residency, Me playing with my four crazy cute kids everyday along with our two puppies. We strive to dedicate our lives to the Lord. We are happy. We are busy. We are a little out of our minds. We love the Gospel of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints. We are bent on taking the steep and sometimes unpopular road less traveled. We adore our extended family like crazy. We are dreamers that believe in working hard for them. We are poor in possessions but rich in love. Our family is a balancing act of restless and peaceful, practical and emotional, playful and bashful, passionate and light hearted. We are excited for our future. AND I am narrating it all as it unfolds. So read on if you like wordy writers who have gramar issues. ;)
