So this is probably too personal but often I wonder if people ever feel the way I feel and so maybe someone will read this and not feel so weird that they once felt this way....maybe it will help them heal too? Anyways, I don't know if this is real thing or not but I have been having total "genetic guilt". Like I feel bad that my children have so much of me in them and not more of their dad. The things I sort of hated or disliked or caused me pain growing up I saw my kids reflecting and I sort of freaked out about it. For a long time I just thought I'd be such a good parent that I could "parent away" their struggles, these"weaknesses" that might cause them pain. But as I have been so sick and moving, and school has dummped on my family life I am failing at my super parenting ideals. I was left having to really deal with what was going on with me. It was so confusing to me. I loved my kids and to wish them different seemed so wrong (which I think it is) and then to not be loving the childhood me was weird and sad too, and then to sort of start feeling like I had a bad childhood was super depressing. I would go in these emotional circles. Guilt, Fear, sadness, guilt, sadness, over it, not over it all,....
I took it to the Lord. I knew that if I couldn't deal with this and heal whatever nonsensical emotional drama I had created I would really hurt my kids hearts and that was not an option. So after several days of prayers I got a package in the mail. My mom and my sisters that lived close by her had gone through lots of disorganized pictures and memorabilia from all us kids. My mom thought we should have our little keepsakes to share with our own children. As I went through my box with Angeli and the boys my heart was healed. It was so kind of Heavenly Father to orchestrate that so the confussion could be completely wiped away. I saw all these pictures of me as a baby, toddler, and a school aged kid, my kindergarten report card, my artwork, pictures of me in a church talent show with my big sister Shayla, my orange cat I would hug so tight as a baby he would almost die...he was so patient with me, I read a letter from my brother Jason he had sent me from when he was on his mission when I was just in kindergarten and I remembered how tender he always was to me, and so on and so forth. Then the random pictures of my brother Adam and I cooking in the kitchen together, and me hugging my toddler best friend who lived next door and how we'd run around topless and play all day long...I can remember us talking about potty training! :O) We had so much fun. . I received some year books and as I read the letters my closest friends had written I was so touched at how they expressed how much of a difference I had made in their lives. I sort of fell in love with myself, my childhood, and the fact that there in these pictures, letters, artwork, report cards,... were the sweet emily-ish genes that my children were bursting with and that now for the first time in a long time that was not a bad thing any more.
I am so thankful for my inspired mother who raised me, loved me, fever was harsh or tempered with me and my sensitive soul, and how she adored my tender little heart even when I drew us as elephants together in the jungle she was the bog one and I was her baby. LOL I am thankful for my husband who loves me exactly the way I am and all that I have ever been, and for my sweet sweet full of heart and creativity children that fill my life with meaning and joy. And lastly for my Father in Heaven. He is the best parenting example to me. He sent us here to grow knowing full well the awful things that would happen to us, that they would shape us and he did not fear. He sent His son. His son had to face His mission here on earth and he didn't want to have to suffer the atonement but He did and it was so worth it as it has saved us all. Because of the Atonement I have the comfort, and our Heavenly Father has the gift t of telling His children that it will all be okay. All can be healed, better times are yet ahead, and it will be worth it. When there are things so broken and scary the atonement is the only thing that can heal and promise that as we continue it will be worth it and all will be resorted to us. As a parent that is the best comfort.
As I go forward with parenting I never want fear to guide my parenting. I believe in the goodness of my little ones and I know that pain and hardship are not to be feared they are what this chapter of our existence was meant to expose us to so that we can progress. so I want to parent with faith and peace and now with out self loathing and genetic guilt. My kids are like me and that can now be a beautiful thing to watch how they bloom in their very own way.
Mom, thank you for my healing box. You were inspired. :O)
The more I parent the more the atonement becomes my most sacred and treasured gift. I thank God and Jesus Christ for it every day.
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