Hello Holland

I wasn't sure if I would blog about this but then I started to listen to "Say" by John Mayer (first song playing on my blog) and started to think that perhaps my sharing this might help someone else out there. So here is a little window into some of the trials that have been weighing heavily on my heart.This says what I want to say:

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

byEmily Perl Kingsley

"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

Today the stewardess welcomed Stewart and I to Holland.

Bridger had an evaluation with Nevada's Early Childhood Intervention Services and he has "qualified". We are still in the process of getting an actual diagnosis but they determined that he has areas that he is certainly not developing correctly. They pinpointed his communication skills and social interpersonal skills as his areas where he is very behind. We have been preparing for this day for what seems like months and so this was not a big shock. However, as a parent the worst thing to hear is that something is wrong with your child, so yes, this is not easy nor will it ever be without struggle. Despite the heartache, what we feel, above any other feeling is great peace. Yesterday we were able to fast and go to the temple. We knew then, as we do today, that everything will be okay. We know without any hesitation that we love our Bridger and he is one of the greatest miracles, blessings, and joys we have ever been given. He is delightful, expressive, fun, and a very loving little man who loves life and makes ours better everyday. We are beginning to see with greater scope that this "Reno" chapter of our lives has very little pretense of being easy on us, but today we have total peace....we love our Holland whatever that means.