Ready or Not

I feel it again and I don't want to be feeling it. It is the start of a new chapter of our lives. This past chapter has been really rather delightful. It hasn't been without its challenges but it was so much better then the one before it that it was heaven sent, literally! I can tell we are entering a new chapter and I am not sure what it will mean for us. Stew is in his third year which is totally different from his first and second year. He will be gone a lot...I feel so cut off from him. I cant get a hold of him during the day and when he is home it feels so fleeting and hurried. I hate waking up every morning to find him gone and not remembering when he left. Which also means good bye to my daily alone time doing my morning runs. So sad.

Our kids are growing up so much. Benjie is crawling all over the house and it freaks me out when I realize I have no idea where he is and then find him in the bathroom eating something funny off the floor. Yuck. And the three year old tantrums are so much worse then the two year old ones. Bridger has always been so dramatic and passionate about everything he feels and when he feels sad, mad, or grumpy watch out. Not that my two year old is not full of drama and tantrums herself. The combined forces of these two is really something. Half the time I am have no idea what to do with them as they scream for thirty minutes about their broken "food sticks".

I have to admit I am feeling a little lost in this new place and pace of life. I have to adapt a lot and I feel so un- able to do so after coming home from our week long vacation time. I want to get settled here in Reno and get back to the daily grind but I realize I am only here for a couple weeks and so I just feel overwhelmed, unmotivated, and at a loss. I have so much to do and I don't want to do any of it. I feel petrified. I try to get things done but day after day my to do list is just as long as the day before. I am having so much dread for the next six months because I know I will miss my husband so much and I know it will be really hard on the kids to not have their daddy around, to be in other homes other then our own, and to have a stressed out tired mommy. Stewart gave Bridger a blessing the other day and blessed him that he would not feel abandoned when his daddy was gone. I know that will be a struggle for Bridger. How do you consul your children when they are crying for their daddy and he is not coming home for a really long time? We'll be fine. I just don't want to take this step into the future. Am I ready? Am I really grown up enough? ... Well, I guess all I can do is grit my teeth, slap on a smile, and brace myself for my life that is coming at me ready or not. Oh, and pray a lot. :)