On this Early Morning I've been reflecting

Life is so interesting. I have been on such an emotional and spiritual journey lately. Everything in my world has been in some form of change or struggle and it has been really a growing experience for me that I didn't even know I needed. It's been sort of a yin yang sort of growing. I have been gaining a very deep appreciation for myself and my divine nature. This deep sense of my Heavenly Father's love for me individually. But then in contrast I feel as though He has been ever so gently pointing out lots of areas where I need to improve, to grow, and be a better person. humbling.

Or in mothering, I have had some serious challenges with my children this year. I have spent more time on my knees by my bed pouring my heart out to the Lord and begging for guidance in how to mother and help them then ever before. And then with that has come this widening and deepening of love for them and a much more fine tuned sense of their divine nature and I love them more then I ever have before. I didn't think there was room to love them more but I guess there was. The concern and worry for them balanced with this love and sense of their divine nature has been an edifying contrast.

In almost every aspect of my life I have had a similar experience. A greater sense of love, joy, and growth with the balance of humility, realizing how much help I need, and a trial.

I guess the good, the joy, the love, the understanding, the improved insight is what comes from trials. My trials have been so very personal. Not the type to blog about or even tell anyone besides really your spouse or in my case my sister and mother who are my part time therapists! Bless their hearts for listening to me almost everyday! LOL

But it has been a miraculous time for me personally and as a family. I've been in this quite refiners fire and I feel humbled, though a bit more refined too, and I recognize I am still in the midst of it and that this will be needed throughout my life. So humbling to realize. But I am excited about the future. I am filled with gratitude that the Lord is my teacher and refiner. There is peace that comes from knowing that He is in charge, that I am on His path, and that my family is on his path also. And with that I have the reassurance that the future will be great.

I wonder what I and my family will be like in five years as our Tucson years are complete? Our Reno days are quickly coming to an end and it seems so very long ago that we moved here.

I am so excited to re-listen to conference. Everything I prayed about for extra guidance was provided to me in those amazing talks. And Pres. Uchtodorfs talk was an answer to me that I didn't know I needed either. But as humbling as it is to realize that when you thought you were great in that department ( :O) yikes!) is that I am glad to know it. So I can be happier and a better friend and family member. It really was the answer to my prayers in a way I never knew I needed.

Anyways, I am not sure what this post is really about but I felt like my blog needed an update and this is what is going on in my life. I guess in a way its odd to grow and change as a person when you are completely removed from any family. As I prepare for our trip to see family I think " Wow, I have been changing so much, I wonder how they have changed too?". Its sad to me on some level to think that. I am sad that my children are growing up with no family member to watch and love them too. I am sad I am so uninvolved in the lives of the people I love the most outside of my own little family. My Ward is my family in the regard. They are the people that serve me all the time, know where I will be and when, the ones who help me survive church without a husband, the ones who ask me "how was your day?", and I in-turn try to serve them too. I will miss them so much my heart just aches thinking about it. With my blood family I realize a large majority have very little idea whats going on in my life and I hate that I have no idea whats going on in theirs and that makes me sad. I wish I could be apart of their ward! :O) I wish I could offer to babysit so they can go to the temple, or plan play dates with the cousins,...dreaming. :O) Everyone is so busy you don't have time to be "close" to everyone in your family when your families are as huge as mine are. but I wish I could. The cool thing about family is that when the big stuff hits. when disasters and storms and illness strike they are the ones that carry you the most. Even if they are thousands of miles away. Its their prayers and deep love that make so much difference. Yes, they cant bring meals, but they offer their hearts. Its so neat to watch that happen when it does. But I'd rather have us get closer together in reunions rather then babies with serious heart surgeries or siblings with major life crisis!!! ;O) I think we need more family get-togethers! But with that I am excited I get to see some family soon! yippee! :D) Just four sleeps.

So if you read my blog and don't like the serious here are some coming attractions:

- Utah trip: Easter, baby Harlow baby blessing, visit to BYU, hanging with the Ras crew, Hanging with the Larsen crew, hanging with the Smith crew, hanging with my Utah family! :O)

- family pictures - I hope! We need one with Genevieve! It is going to be an interesting experience! LOL

Have a good day!

Green Luck!

No we did not come into some money - although money would be nice. Rather we had us a fun St Patty's day! Ok, I guess I am over my birthday burn out because I couldn't help myself. I had to celebrate. And I already have next year planned out. :O) The night of March 15th we had our Friday night family movie night and to get in the mood I made green popcorn. It was actually really good although the color and texture of the jello caramel mixture when I was pouring it was what I imagine goblin buggers to be like...sort of nasty. But it was fun!
Then after the movie Dad got home from being on call and me made us a leprechaun trap! We had a mini-pot of gold with a "rainbow" leading to it to trick our leprechaun. Bridger was very thoughtful on the things he'd be asking the leprechaun to grant for him. :O) We tided a string between the pot of gold and the wood stick holding up the "trap" so when he tried to drag the pot away the trap would fall on him. And we put bean bags on top to make sure he couldn't lift up the box and get out. In the morning...
In the morning the trap had been set off and when we lifted the trap we found a very tiny note from our leprechaun saying, in the best Irish tongue, that he was tricked but his magic was a wee bit stronger then our trickery and so he got away but because he was impressed with out trickery he left us some treasure of our own. The kids thought that was great.
Then the kids got to wear their St. Patty's clothes and we had a fun day shopping and going out to lunch.
That night we did our Green dinner. Green noddles, green squash, green apples,.... and for dessert rainbow jello.It was a very lucky day for us!

PS made me think of last year on St. Patty's day...we found out we'd go to Tucson... and we're still waiting! :) - can you tell just how good I am at being patient! I try. I really do.

little things I want to remember

I am predicting that there will come a day when I will not remember what my days were like this past year and I don't want to forget because while they can be crazy there are some really wonderful moments I get to enjoy too! I have felt so overwhelming grateful for my kids lately...I always have but lately with my baby not being such a baby anymore and how well things are going for us I sort of cant seem to keep it to myself. At times I feel a little lost with so much of my life up in the air but then I sort of step back and take a real look at what is going on in my life and it is hilarious, beautiful, blessed, and so worth it. You know how you sort of wait for that big golden family time to hit....the time that was your favorite when you were a kid? When life was full, happy, and just magical (basically life between preschool to before puberty hit! ;) Well I have realized this is it...these are my golden years with my kids, yes I have at least 18 more great years with them BUT those golden memories have started, they are happening now. And I intend to drink them up! - although sometimes it really requires me to take some big gulps its happening so fast! Anyways, here are some cute pictures, funny happenings, and favorite rituals/routines that I cherish. :O)

We don't have a bus so I drive Bridger to school. Most the time I don't have all the kids ready for the day in time to get Bridger to school especially Genevieve because she usually requires a bath after her breakfast extravaganza. So this has become her drive Bridger to school outfit! Isn't it too cute?!?! She came up with it all by herself. And now when she sees that I'm getting Bridger all ready to go out the door she grabs her robe and drags it to me all giggles and smiles that she gets to put it on and get out of the house. It's adorable! (plus isn't she pretty? her round doll eyes and her tiny button nose...she's so beautiful to me! I cant wait to see her all grown up. She''ll still be such a sparkler. - that bottom left one is a classic!

I thought this was hilarious. So it was cold and it looked like rain when the kids found a box of sidewalk chalk...they wanted to use it outside to play hop-scotch...I had this brilliant idea that we should just draw it on the carpet. I thought I was the funnest mom ever! Until I got the call that the people who are buying are house wanted to stop by in two hours and make sure they still wanted to buy our house! Ahhhh! Suddenly my brilliant idea didn't seem so brilliant! When they arrived that got to enjoy the squishy, wet, and very clean carpet I had to clean over and over again! Ha! Wont be doing that again!

I LOVE the way Ben talks...he has the cutest little accent. I am not sure where he got it but he says things like, "I just luv ya Mom." - with a little drawl at the end of Mom...its maybe a little cowboy-ish or something. Anyways the cute little things he says and his exaggerated expressions are my favorite. he's adorable.

Bridger is so dramatic and entertaining! and then when you throw in his sweet heart it is such a roller coaster to hang out with him. I love dropping him off at school. He gets really sweet. I open our tank door to our van while Genevieve is excitedly showing of her skill in waving good bye in the back ground and Bridger looks me in the eyes and I give him a big hug and a kiss on the forehead and he squeezes me super tight and then he waits for me to say, "I love you bud, have a good day and I'll see you after lunch!" and then he smiles huge and as he starts skipping-running through the gates he shouts, "Okay mom! I love you too and have a good day! I'll see you after lunch!" and the way he says, "See you after lunch" he sort of sparkles like he loves the anticipation of that reunion and then I watch him as he is using all the strength his little 6 year old body can muster to open the giant heavy door into school with his big backpack hanging all lopsided as he does. oh, my heart burst. Its adorable.

And Miss Angeli...she surprises me with these sweet little acts she does all day long. Like when Ben was crying when he couldn't find his "little blue horse daddy painted for me!" because I had packed it away for the move and then Angeli came to me and said "Mom Ben is sad so I will help him be happy cause I know he likes to play with his robot guy." and she took him by the hand and said, "come on Ben. I have a game for you to play with me. Here you go, here is your robot guy, your favorite guy...." And then Ben is happy again and all is right with the world. She is an angel girl and is an adorable one to boot!

But when Catrina, her best friend, comes over (like she does everyday) they sometimes get in these fights. Oh, My! Girl fights are so different then boy fights! The drama is hilarious. One day I had Angeli in the back of the house sitting in my bathroom her arms folded and her legs crossed looking anywhere but at me and she was not going to say sorry! and then little Catrina was sitting on our front steps in the same posture and she was not going to say sorry either! It took like 30 minutes to get them in the same room and to get them to say they were sorry and once they did that they hugged and giggled and where all like "Oh, I have to show you my new van I got for my doll house!" "really wow! i want to see it!" and skipping off to play! It was hilarious drama coming from a 4 and 5 year old!

When Stewart walks in the door Genevieve gets so excited. She does her chubby little walk/run to him shouting "Daddeee! Daddeee!" in the most girly excited baby voice you can think of and she grabs his legs and hugs him so tight and waits for him to sweep her up in his arms. Its one of my favorite times of the day.

Dancing is big at our house. My girls love it. My boys usually turn it more into a display of action figure poses, especially Ben, but my girls love to twirl (yes, even Genvieve likes to twirl!) and jump and anything from pretty to out right silly. They put in their CD's and rock out. I love watching them and I even join in too! :O)

The other day Bridger would not go to sleep! (it is extra bad since lovely day-light savings! hate day light savings. I Love that they don't do it in AZ) It was late and Stewart was so tired and we heard these crashes coming from his room....when we went in there Bridger was so excited. He was making bombs. He was building bombs with his legos, making "rounds" of legos and then filling them with tons of tiny pieces of toys and junk then closing them up and throwing them and watching the huge explosion of toys and legos burst around his room. I thought Stewart was going to lose his temper but he surprised me, he was really impressed and was like "hey we'll do this tomorrow! But lets go to bed first." I loved that.

The other night, as I often like to do, I started to draw out my dream house...you know floor plan and stuff. I wanted to show it to Stewart and Bridger wanted in on the action. He was so excited about it. He asked if he could keep it. Since then he has started drawing his own floor plans and dream houses. He wants a slide from his room down to the play ground the pool. :O)

Genevieve loves to copy us - and the dogs too! I was watching her one day and she watched the dogs go over to their water bowl and drink the water up with their tongues. And then she got down on all fours and crawled over to the bowl and was about 1/4 inch away from licking up herself some water when I grabbed her! It was pretty funny and disgusting. I have to keep an eye on her or else she goes and licks up doggy water for herself! Ahhh! :O)

Benjamin loves tiny things. and he loves to own things. I found a bee bee the other day and gave it to him. he has been carrying it around for days! And he keeps asking "is this mine mommy?" When I answer in the affirmative he is so delighted, "It's MINE!" Thank you Mommy!" then he runs to tell the whole house, "Its Mine guys! Guys, its My Bee bee!" Poor guy really must need some "BEN only" space in our next house!

And then today I convinced Stewart to stop by the counseling center where Angie goes on his way to noon-conference and it was too cute to watch my Doctor in his white coat get out of his car and walk over to me his eyes all sparkling and what I loved was that with a little wink I got my man to blush! :O) Then we sent him off with some kisses and hugs from his little bunch of rascals and his ridiculous wife. It was just fun......I love that I can make him blush. Ha!

Candy Factory

We went to a candy factory here in Reno for a tour. It was fun and yummy. It is this tiny factory but I think the kids enjoyed seeing how candy is made. We were sad Stew couldn't come. He had the day off but then they offered him Sunday instead and so he took it so he could actually make it to church this month! :O) Good man. Plus, then I had an excuse to buy lots of candy for him to try too! ;)

Check out their CANDY. I think their "sunbursts" are really addictive...and so much more healthy then just plane old M&Ms since they have the sunflower seeds in the middle. Their choclate rocks look really real...its a bit unerving to eat them...you really are afriad you might break teeth when you throw them in your mouth. The chcolate covered corn nuts are delish! Salty sweet yummyness. Plus they sell them with natural food coloring so I really like that. I think I may buy these instead of M&Ms from now on since the factory is really close and I can get them cheap at the factory store.

Here are our cute pictures...We totally rocked the hair nets!

Cousin Luke's Flat Stanly

Last month Bridger's cousin Luke sent him a Flat Stanly. So we gave him something to share with his class. We spent a fun day in downtown Reno, it was so fun it made me wonder why we don't do it more often! Bridger called the Flat Stanly smushed Luke which was pretty funny as we carried around "Smushed Luke" with us all day. I took some pictures to make it interesting for Luke to share. You could even play "Where's Stanly?" with these pics! :O)

To cover all our bases we headed to the kids museum that is not only based on science and art discovery but also about Northern Nevada history and geography.

Picture representing our location
Air Planes are important in Reno Because of the annul Reno Air Races
There are lots of caves and rocks in Reno and Northern Nevada. And where there are rocks and caves there is...Mining!
Mining is what put Reno on the map. It was a wild west city built on mining for Silver and gold. Even today There is still lots of active mines. We still mine the most silver then any other state.
And where there were wild west cities built on mining there was gambling. But unlike most other States in America Nevada never made gambling illegal. So, for better or worse, it is still one of our strongest industries. ( I left out the legal brothels!) :O) Out door activities are really popular here. Being so close to the beautiful Sierra Nevada Mountains there is lots of camping, skiing, hiking, boating, biking, rock climbing,....EVERYTHING out doors!

We even taught Stanly about our Water system...clouds, Lake Tahoe, snow melt, Truckee river, Lake Pyramid,....Flat Stanly and Bridger in front of Reno's famous sign, "Biggest Little City in the World" on historic Virgina streetAnd then we were plane starving and so we walked around the down town district seeing the pretty river and stopping at a popular ice cream shop with fun flavored ice cream. Yum!

There you have it! My fourth grade report on Reno! :O)

Spiritually Fed

The past two weeks I have been really spiritually fed. It has been such a remarkable experience. It was cap-stoned by the general Board Young Women President Sister Dalton, the Second Counselor in the Relief Society Sister Thompson, and the Second Counselor in the Primary General Presidency Sister Esplin, coming to Reno holding a special women's conference/training and then a young women training which I was able to attend being in our ward's young women's presidency.

It was an experience I will remember all my life. The spirit those women brought was palpable. It was one of the most sacred meetings I have ever been in. As we listened to these hilarious, down to earth, inspired women instruct us on the Lord's errand we were so edified. The Love of our Savior for his daughters was so strong. At the close of that meeting as we sang the closing song I looked around and swear we were all glowing. It was like the vale became a little thinner and I could see everyone's divine nature just bursting out from themselves. It was life changing.

I have been on such a spiritual journey lately...I have never been tutorted by the Lord in such a literal on-going way before. It has been like everyday I do my scripture study He has had a lesson preared for me. I have been learning so much and my life perspective is expanding and is broader, more eternal and with the sweet sisters coming it was just cemented in me. Every thing they shared was exactly what I have been taught by the spirit the past weeks. It was such a testament to me that God is real. The Church is true. That this, This life, This PLAN is happening. We are eternal beings. We are truly the Children of God. I have always known that but to have the spirit bare witness of it to me so strongly like that was an exhilarating, sacred experience. It strikes me that some of the most "real" undeniable experiences of my life are those that happen with the spirit...there is no proof, there isn't a grand outward display, its just the power of the Holy Ghost testifying to me. I am SO excited for conference!

My heart is full. My faith is brighter. And I feel so much awe, love, and gratitude for my Savior and Heavenly Father. Life is so glorious.

The Doctor's Nicknames

This past rotation Stewart has acquired two nicknames that I think are fitting, and telling about what kind of doctor my husband is.

The first is one a patient's family gave him - "Doctor Kind Eyes". He had to tell the wife how serious her husband's illness was and she told him that he had the kindest eyes she'd ever seen. And from then on she called him doctor kind eyes and that is what the family came to call him. He enjoyed working with their family and it was a tender experience working with them as their husband and father passed away.

The Second is akin to the first. His fellow residents gave him this one - "Wife Whisperer". As he is working in the Veterans Hospital right now he primarily sees older, very very sick men. More often then not he is communicating all day long with their wives discussing their husbands' treatment and prognosis. It seems that no one does it as well as he does. Whenever a wife calls in the team passes the phone to Stewart and his senior is always marveling at how well he does with them on the phone and on rounds.

At times now and then Stewart really dreads going to work. Its not because he doesn't care its because he does care.It is such a huge responsibility to try and heal bodies and preserve lives. I am so thankful for his kindness and thoughtfulness as he treats and works with his patients. He is a good doctor and I think his nicknames are evidence of that. He's always had such humble honest heart and its what makes him stand out as a healer. :) Good job Stewy.

My Dream Routine

I know this makes for riveting reading but welcome to my life! When has it ever been all that riveting to read about!?!? :O) Anyways, this week I had three days in a row where I was bored. Like sitting there wondering what to do. Seriously, that has probably happened like 20 times in my entire life, ok I don't know if childhood counts but you get it. I am not one to wonder what to do with myself. I usually have like twenty things I wish I could be working on all at once. But I don't exactly know why that has changed lately. My guess is that we are sort of in an interesting place of limbo...waiting. I love home improvement projects and crafts but I really have no desire to start any of them with a move looming ahead. Then the crafts I could do like scrapbooking I sort of don't want to do because I don't have space for it. I would have to do it in my bedroom but then the kids are into it and Genevieve is into everything!!!!! Plus we are trying to save our money and crafts are not very budget friendly. I love to cook and bake and try new recipes but then again we are on a strict budget and I am on a strict diet so.... And four kids make it tricky to have any sort of hobby; with GeneVi's two naps a day, dropping off and picking up kids three times a day, three meals to prepare and an endless need to pick up and clean up, and then my diet of eating every 3 hours and getting my 1 and 1/2 hour workout in everyday I don't want to over complicate my life with extra stuff just because I feel bored and then not do the most important stuff.... So this is what I have decided I will do and work at so I don't get so bored which really for me translates to the feeling of having nothing to work towards... wow, take a breath that was long!

My Dream Routine

5:00 am - wake up a little after Stewart and make him a pimp breakfast, say a morning prayer with him and send him on his way with a big kiss
5:30 am - bust out my cardio and scripture listening on the cross trainer
6:10 am - force myself to do my strength training
6:45 am - prayers and journal writing (if I feel like writing)
7:00 am - jump in the shower, and do my hair cute!
7:30 am - put dogs out and get the kids ready for the day:
- prayer, scripture reciting, breakfast, with vitamins
- dressed, hair brushed/done, teeth brushed
- feed dogs
- pick up from breakfast and morning routine
9:00 am - take Bridger to school
9:20 am - Story book time
9:30 am- Genevieve down for her nap
10:00 am - kids quite play time, I do chores, make phone calls, church prep,...
12:15 pm- pick up Bridger drop off preschoolers
12: 25 pm - Get Genevieve her lunch
12:30 pm- Bridger's home work time: work book, spelling test words, site words, and reading books
1:15 pm - Play time for Bridger and Genevieve and I do house work and or run errands
3:20 pm - pick up Angie and Ben from school
3:30 pm - walk jog with the dogs, Ben and baby in jogger and Angie and Bridger on bikes I jog
4:00pm- put GeneVi down for her nap
4: 45 pm - dinner preparation, pick up house from the day's play
5:30 pm - eat dinner
6: 15 pm - clean up from dinner, feed dogs
6:45 pm - kids play with dad, I rest a little bit
7:30 pm- start bedtime routine:
- pick up house a little
- get jammies on
- brush teeth
- scripture reading
- award kids their daily smiley faces (how they earn allowance)
- picture book reading
- family prayer
- tuck kids in and help them say their personal prayers
- daddy reads Harry Potter while the kids lay in bed
9:00 pm - get myself ready for bed
9:30 pm - cuddle up to Stewart watch a favorite show
10:00 pm - lights out

Monday - grocery store, we do family home evening
Tuesday - laundry, poop scoop day, bathroom cleaning day, and YW activity
Wednesday - Angeli's play therapy
Thursday - bedroom cleaning day
Friday - something fun after Bridger gets out of school like: park, dog park, kids museum, swimming at the club house. Then its fast food at home night, and we do our family movie night.
Saturday - laundry, something fun in the day, extra shopping if needed, do family game night, and Sunday morning prep
Sunday - we relax and perhaps: watch Mormon Messages, church movies, play church games, go on a family walk, have a "fancy" dinner, and make sure to cuddle

Besides the dogs and a few other little things I am sort of already doing most of this but I want to do it better, I want to do it more regularly. So that will be my goal, to do this better and more and live my dream routine! ...I think in five years this will be really funny/interesting to look back at and remember me in 2012.


*crafts I do want to do though are my brag book pages for Grandma Rasmussen and scrapbook my 2012 and 2013 family calendars! That's it.

Mr. Rasmussen

Today Stewart and I had our 8th wedding anniversary. In some ways I cant believe that it has only been 8 years. It at times feels like my life just started when I met him. Thinking back to those first meetings all the fluttering emotions come flooding back into my mind. I feel like a young women again meeting that young handsome man who loved introducing me to all his friends, he was so proud to call me his. I remember on our first date as we sat and watched the movie my leg was just ever so slightly touching his and I couldn't help but be overwhelming aware that we were touching. :O) I remember us sitting in his car talking until 3am and him walking me to my dorm and giving me my first hug from him and thinking that this was the start of something special. Oh, all the thousands of my cherished memories that center around the fact that I had found my other half.

I remember our first kiss. It was magic. When I made it back to my dorm floor all my girl friends were waiting to hear all about it and I will never forget the squeals when I announced we had kissed and when I announced, "I could kiss those lips for eternity the giggles and laughter that erupted...And I really thought, "I hope I get to kiss him forever" and I am so lucky I will.

Stewart has been the happiest thing to have ever happened to me. He has only ever brought me joy and I love him more then I thought I could love. I am really one of those annoying giddy with love people that others love to roll their eyes at. He is just so perfect for me I don't think I'll ever get over it. I honestly thank God for him everyday. I miss him every minute we aren't together. Seriously. If he is in a different room then me for too long I will find myself like gravity pulled to that room just to be closer to him.

Our love story is so cliche its funny, but its mine and I love it and I love that I get to be the luckiest girl in the world. I spent my childhood and youth not really believing that that sort of joy would ever exist for me so to have it astonishes me daily.

Unlike all those other stories I tell year after year :O), I hardly ever share this one. Its special to me because it makes it so apparent how much God's hand has been in my life and how I owe every happy good thing to Him. The year before we met I remember one night as I read my scriptures and wrote in my journal about how yet again Valentines was approaching and I would not have a valentine the Spirit fell upon me so strongly. I had this overwhelming impression that my future husband was in need of my fervent prayers, that it was so important that I pray for him. I knelt by my bedside and prayed with tears streaming down my cheeks that he would be strengthened whatever ailed him. It was a really remarkable experience. I wondered what it could have been that he was dealing with, who he was, and where he was in his life, and I was thrilled that he existed. But I felt that he was teetering on the edge of something and that if he was not strengthened I would lose him. I worried for him that the Spirit would need to prompt me to pray for him. When we were engaged and I learned more about his hospitalization with his life threatening infection and ARDS I realized that was what I had prayed for, that he would survive. I could never doubt God's love for me, he gave me my Stewart.

I love my Eagle Scout man who is as hardworking, honorable, and as true as his pioneer stock. He's my favorite. I love my Mr. Rasmussen.

I made this really quickly just for kicks....enjoy! (Well, if you like seeing 27 frames of our faces then you will really enjoy it! ;) haha! But you get to see my new hair cut in the last pics...but then again my hair cut really does just look like every other hair cut I've ever had! Oh, Whatever! Enjoy if you can! ;)

Also this past week...

Least you think I am a depressive blob. :O) I wanted to share how happy my emotional week turned out to be!

- I had my hair artfully chopped. I was growing it out to have the ever so popular long wavy lock look but I realized I don't have enough hair for that look...its just too thin so I whacked it. I now have a longer a-line bob. Its cute. The color isn't what me and my salonist (?) were going for but whatever its not bad just a little zebra-ish. Its funny though no one has really noticed I've cut 6 inches off! They just say, "I like your new color." :O)

- I got all geared up to restart LIVE the LIFE and I've started my own Live the Life blog for extra accountability. So if you are interested in that you can track my second try at it on there. Here is the link, http://emilylivingthelife.blogspot.com/ You can even see my before pic and make all the fun of me you want! ;)

- I got the dogs fixed...poor little girly wont get to be a mommy and our man will never be a real man. I cant help but feel that this is evil but we cant have siblings having babies together and we can't afford puppies anyways so it had to be done. But seriously how sad. :(

- I cheered and prayed for Stewart while he took his step three board Exam Monday and Tuesday - testing 9 to 5 two days strait is tough stuff. whoot whoot STEW! One step closer!

- We've been celebrating our anniversary! We were planning a trip to Tahoe but Stewart couldn't be out of town since he was on backup call so we got away to Reno. LOL We stayed at the Peppermill in this awesome suite, did sealings at the temple, had an amazing fancy Italian dinner, slept in, and then had a lovely brunch. It was the bomb and fun and romantic and the temple was the loveliest thing ever. Happy us. :O)

- Stewart got me a cricut expression 2, flowers, a lovely card, and a Costco card for our anniversary!!!!!!!! Um, what a sweet man! And all that on top of taking me on a a lovely getaway! I am so spoiled! ......I think he is more excited for me to open the cricut then I am. He loves those things! And what can I not wait for? Family night at Costco tomorrow! I am dreaming of their turkey, provolone, and pesto sandwich.....I am seriously going to postpone my diet one day so I can eat that bad boy before I kiss cheese good bye....its so worth it!

- Paul came to town! (Paul is Stew's little brother) This was such a treat. He was in town for a BYU construction management competition. Oh, we love Paul. We think the world of him. He is so fun to hang out with. He is so fun we even asked him do sealings with us. :O) So fun to see him.

- And least I forget! I made the Oreo filled chocolate chip cookies I have been wanting to make for about a year now....they ended up looking like UFO cookies but the taste was fun and really good and Paul's construction team used them to fuel them through their all night scale model building. Go team BYU!

This week

This week I have been on such an emotional roller coaster. my poor husband can hardly keep up with me. I am going from being in tears I am so filled with joy, to tears because I am just so sad. I have no other explanation for it other then the fact that Satan is a big old jerk. :O)

Well, here's the story. I was feeling down and trying really hard to build myself up again and was just believing I was a million wonderful things again when a well meaning lady at church insulted me so much so that it sort of broke me. I have said this a million times, I don't mind not being liked its the insecurity that people pretend to like me more then they really do that drives me crazy. If you dislike me and are open about it you can insult me all the time and it will roll right off my back but if you are my friend and you do something jerky you can bet it will take me years to get over it. So what happened was that she was rude which she always is to me, though she thinks she is helping me, but what broke me was that when everyone who was standing around heard what she said chimed in to agree with her it hurt. I had asked some of those people that very morning for their advice and opinion on the matter and they had really made me feel I was lovely and making the right choice. So when they really told me what they thought I felt lied to and ganged up on. It was like all the good things they had ever said to me were immediately drawn into questions and I doubted then that any nice thing anyone had ever said to me was true. So where does this lame situation lead me? I have been trying to figure out my worth and I feel like a teenager again so full of insecurities and doubts about who I am to others. Do you ever get that way?

I have times like this every so often (much much less as I get older) where I get so many doubts about people's real feelings about me that I really feel like I am not loved...or not worth being loved... I am not sure which it is. I know rationally that is ridiculous but I can't logic the feeling away. I have to pray it away...the Holy Ghost has to heal my heart's fears. And its a fear . Its from Satan I know. That is his best tool against me. It always has been, to make me question that those who are close to me and love me really don't. That they are just being polite and really just tolerate me. I hope with this latest bout I can grow from it. That I can be stronger from this attack on my heart. But its such a negative cycle because I feel doubts and fear and then I beat myself up for being so immature as to feel so insecure about such logically lame things. Oh, its annoying.

The difference I have found since I was a teenager is that I don't question my worth and love from my Father in Heaven or Savior Jesus Christ. I know they, along with my sweet kids, adore me and love me. So that's progress. With my husband I know he loves me but I doubt at times that I deserve it.... Which is ridiculous. Anyways, I wonder if I am the only adult who gets this way. I'm on the up though. Every nice thing someone does for me heals my heart a little more...its coming. As long as no one close to me insults me again I'll be good in no time. :O)

To my Angeli

Dear Angeli,

Oh, my sweet girl. I am so glad we named you Angeli, you are an angel. You are never mean. You are a nurturer through and through. You are so patient and put others before yourself. At dinner time we always ask what our favorite part of our day was and what was one thing we did for someone else and you always have a list of things you could mention as your nice things. I love watching you interact with others whether it is the puppies, or your little sister, or your rambunctious brothers you are always so kind to them. You talk to the puppies with so much love and happy sweetness. You delight in making your baby sister giggle. And you are the one who sits with me and watches Genevieve as we both laugh and adore her together.

You like making others happy. For your birthday you got a lot of dollar bills and so what did you do the next couple days? Share them with the family. I had to keep telling people to give you back your money since they still had so much of their own birthday money and you were so disappointed that I made them give you your money back. :)

When we talked about what everyone liked about you on your birthday your brothers both said, "I love playing with Angeli!" They adore you because you are so much fun to play with. You seem to have the ability to enjoy others so much that they feel how much you enjoy them and feel so great about themselves and have so much fun with you. You are so quick to have fun and to giggle when it come to your brothers and everyone has fun when you are in the game. you don't get hung up on winning and and being the best , or having it your way...you are there to have fun. Everyone likes to claim you as their best friend. Often when we have to say what our favorite part of our day is Bridger and Ben will say, "playing with Angeli." You blossom in one-on-one play dates with your friends. Groups are not very fun for you but one-on-one is perfectly delightful for you.

You love feeling pretty. You like to dress up and put on twirly skirts. Sometimes I catch you looking at your self in the mirror and you are smiling at your reflection and trying out different poses, and facial expressions,....this is also why you are my best picture taker! :O) Bridger always compliments you when you are dressed fancy and you love it. When you put on something you think is fancy and lovely you run to show him and he undoubtedly will tell you how pretty you look. :O) it is sweet. For Christmas you were given a jewelry kit and you made some snap on earrings when you put them on you looked so beautiful and grown up...a little too pretty and grown up if you ask me. I deiced right then you are not getting your ears priced until you are 12! :O) I hope you wont get too wound up in that stuff....but I think its part of girls nature to want to be like a beautiful flower and you surely are a sweet lovely bloom. I hope I can be a good role model to you about not basing your worth on your appearance....you are so so so much more then that!

You are smart and hardworking. You love doing what i s right. When you do something nice or good or a chore or something you just beam and feel so great. I love giving you opportunities to do something good because it makes you just sparkle with excitement.

You love to sing, to dance, to swim, to go on walks, to ride your bike, to play the wii, to read stories with mom and dad, you love doing school work, you love to color, and you love chopping in the kitchen. even though trying new things can be a bit scarey you are good at everything you try. It is so fun to watch you realize how fun and enjoyable new things are as you venture out into trying new things. You love all art. When you color you are very thoughtful and pick each color with care. You love color and your pictures are always the most colorful.

You have a very tender little heart. Sometimes you get anxious and worry a lot and you sometimes try to suppress any emotion that you think would make others upset. I love teaching you how to be brave and face hard things and that it is okay to admit when you feel sad, or worried, or angry. As we have been working with you it has been such a sweet experience to watch you tentatively come out of your shell a little more and take more risks and have you realize how strong you really are. I love seeing your little heart feel more and more brave. I am so grateful you have Bridger who shares your tenderness but loves taking risks and putting himself out there. You are a such a blessing in helping him make smart choices, not taking too many risks and he helps you reach a little farther and be more carefree.

I love to cuddle with you and I love sitting with you and holding onto you while reading stories and talking to you about what your thoughts are. Your thoughts are delightful. :O)

Your father and you really enjoy your special time together taking care of the doggies. You and he have the same heart for animals and you two really love walks with the doggies and taking them on adventures. It is one of my favorite things watching you four together. :O)

Angeli, when I think of you all grown up I see a beautiful women. I see a beautiful mother and nurturer. I see your angelic nature blessing everyone around you as your spread kindness, peace, love, and joy with your gentle spirit. You will be a perfect mother, being kind, patient, teaching them with love,.... it will be second nature to you. To me you exemplify beauty and virtue. Oh, how Heavenly Father will rejoice as he knows he can send his special children to such a good loving mother. You are a wonderful friend and I am so glad I have you as my sweet daughter and friend. You will always be my little rose bud and I love watching you blossom more and more all the time. I count it as a tender blessing to get to be your mother. I love you forever.

With all my hugs, squeezes, and smiles,

Your Mommy