This week

This week I have been on such an emotional roller coaster. my poor husband can hardly keep up with me. I am going from being in tears I am so filled with joy, to tears because I am just so sad. I have no other explanation for it other then the fact that Satan is a big old jerk. :O)

Well, here's the story. I was feeling down and trying really hard to build myself up again and was just believing I was a million wonderful things again when a well meaning lady at church insulted me so much so that it sort of broke me. I have said this a million times, I don't mind not being liked its the insecurity that people pretend to like me more then they really do that drives me crazy. If you dislike me and are open about it you can insult me all the time and it will roll right off my back but if you are my friend and you do something jerky you can bet it will take me years to get over it. So what happened was that she was rude which she always is to me, though she thinks she is helping me, but what broke me was that when everyone who was standing around heard what she said chimed in to agree with her it hurt. I had asked some of those people that very morning for their advice and opinion on the matter and they had really made me feel I was lovely and making the right choice. So when they really told me what they thought I felt lied to and ganged up on. It was like all the good things they had ever said to me were immediately drawn into questions and I doubted then that any nice thing anyone had ever said to me was true. So where does this lame situation lead me? I have been trying to figure out my worth and I feel like a teenager again so full of insecurities and doubts about who I am to others. Do you ever get that way?

I have times like this every so often (much much less as I get older) where I get so many doubts about people's real feelings about me that I really feel like I am not loved...or not worth being loved... I am not sure which it is. I know rationally that is ridiculous but I can't logic the feeling away. I have to pray it away...the Holy Ghost has to heal my heart's fears. And its a fear . Its from Satan I know. That is his best tool against me. It always has been, to make me question that those who are close to me and love me really don't. That they are just being polite and really just tolerate me. I hope with this latest bout I can grow from it. That I can be stronger from this attack on my heart. But its such a negative cycle because I feel doubts and fear and then I beat myself up for being so immature as to feel so insecure about such logically lame things. Oh, its annoying.

The difference I have found since I was a teenager is that I don't question my worth and love from my Father in Heaven or Savior Jesus Christ. I know they, along with my sweet kids, adore me and love me. So that's progress. With my husband I know he loves me but I doubt at times that I deserve it.... Which is ridiculous. Anyways, I wonder if I am the only adult who gets this way. I'm on the up though. Every nice thing someone does for me heals my heart a little more...its coming. As long as no one close to me insults me again I'll be good in no time. :O)