It is rainy here in more ways then one. I am so tired. There are just so many stresses and disappointments these days that I am just emotionally beat. Luckily the Lord is watching out for me and tons of people are asking for me to babysit and to make meals which is a really really good thing. I don't have time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. So much gratitude there. But I need to share some of my heartache so I can cope. I know most of you disapprove of "sad" blogging but I don't believe in just sharing the pretty side of things.
So if you don't disapprove too much then you can bear with me. I need to write this to get through this stormy day.
1.) The most awful thing in my future is facing Stewart leaving. Today I told two new people about his leaving and as I watched and listened to their shock and horror for me and went through the list of "Well, do you have family around here?" questions I just felt tired. I know I will be fine but I also know this year is going to be one of the hardest of my life thus far. I feel it deep in my bones that this is going to push me to my limits and while I feel peace that I will find more strength then I thought I could ever have I also know that finding that strength will not be fun. I am sorry to be so negative but sometimes I just hate UNSOM. I really do. I like the schooling its-self but I hate "them" for taking what is already so hard on a family and then trying to make it impossible for us.
2.) I STRESS that all the houses in our neighborhood are asking about $74,000. We are so upside down right now it is ridiculous. I try not to think about it but two of my neighbors are losing their homes and I visited with both of them today and that makes it hard to ignore. I wonder "Is this going to be us in a couple months?" Sometimes I wonder why the Lord led us down this path when it seems like a giant mistake. I know that is awful but its so easy to feel that way when we cant afford to live here and we feel so trapped in Reno because of it. I just try not to worry about it because moving is years away and I am a firm believer in "everything will be alright" but the heavy burden on my heart and mind is there on days like today.
3.) Our other neighbors and us are in a property line dispute and when we finally thought we were in the clear it all turned on its head and now we are getting the very short end of the stick. It was our miracle fence and now it is feeling like a curse. We will have to pay them money that we really don't have and we'll have to tear down our fence and put it up again all over a stupid foot of land. I have been trying to not think about this either but we had to meet with the county people today about it and that sort of made it impossible to ignore. Then when Stew brought cookies over to offer some goodwill and to talk things out they totally yelled at him and called him mean things and thus made enemies with me real fast. Thank goodness Stewart is a total gentlemen or things could have gotten ugly. They'll be moving to their other home in Oregon after the fence stuff clears up and I have to say I will be relieved to have them gone.
4.) I thought we'd have a week together before the torture of 3rd year started but it is looking like our break will be nothing like a break. We will be dealing with our fence now and my silver lining of "we'll at least have that time together" has died a swift and painful death. All my fun plans are shattered and it makes me cry every time I have to think about it. Many many tears over that one.
5.) The board exam. My husband is so stressed about it. He takes his big exam on the 19th. Please pray for him. How he does determines a lot of the rest of our lives and his career.
6.) living in poverty is really hard. I don't think there is more to say there.
The best part of all of this is that preparing for Stewart to leave has put a lot into perspective for me. I mean its only a house, a fence, and money at stake here. And really in the big picture how much do those things matter? As long as we are close...even if just emotionally....I know we will be ok. And not just ok, we will be happy and good and able to have a little heaven on earth. I know Stew feels this too. We have sort of been noticing the little things and finding even more joy and peace in them then ever before. Like when we have a sunny day, or hearing our kids giggling together. Holding Benjie while he sleeps, teaching the kids that roses smell sweet, cuddling up while we watch a favorite movie, and sharing dinner together as a family are the treasures that have made us rich and our life full.
So, all in all I wouldn't change it. We have always made our decisions with a lot of prayer and so I know it is all in the Lord's hands. I am grateful I will be able to see how this will all work out. It will take some miracles I am sure. And while needing a miracle is not fun at all, being a part of one can be. I am grateful for our Heavenly Father and Savior who make it all doable.
I guess even stormy days like today can still be the greatest. Ok, thanks for those of you who bore with me. I actually feel better ...now I better get to my dishes. ;)
Some days I read this and laugh. Lord, thank you for the ride.
President Gordon B. Hinckley:
“I have enjoyed these words of Jenkins Lloyd Jones, which I clipped from the newspaper some years ago. Said he: . . .“‘Anyone who imagines that bliss . . . is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. “‘[The fact is] . . . most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . . “‘Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.“‘The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride’"
