My body and I have had a rocky relationship for most of my life. There are things I love about my body and then there are things that I feel like are curses. My veins being first and foremost on that list. Whenever I discuss my veins people seem to dismiss my feelings about them with things like, "Oh, Emily I am sure they aren't that bad." That is like telling someone who has a genetic defect that its not that bad and to just suck it up. Younger women my age just don't understand...the only people who get it are older women who know all too well what I am talking about and even then my specific condition is one that most women wont talk about and doctors have little idea how to treat. My doctors who look at my legs agree that they look terrible and very painful. When I was in labor with Genevieve every nurse was like "wow, your poor poor legs. How bad do they hurt?!?!?" I have one nurse ask, "how did you get so bruised? Were you some accident or something?" When I told her it was my veins she was shocked. Yes - they are that bad. With each baby they get worse and not only do they look like I have some giant worm parasite out of some third world place in Africa but they hurt terrible too. Since having Genevieve I cant where shorts, and my skirts and dresses have to come down to my ankles to cover them up. I don't spend too much time feeling sorry for myself but in the summer it is extra hard. I was at the pool the other day and found myself bitterly jealous of a 200+ lbs women walking around in her bathing suit. I left in a grumpy mood and when Stewart asked what was making me upset I told him. He was shocked and sure she was curvy to the extreme but her legs were perfect. not a vein in sight! sigh. What she has is completely fixable what I have is not. I have been told by multiple specialists that there really is no cure for my vein problem. The most aggressive thing they can do is give me a hysterectomy and even that fails to work most of the time. sigh again. But I am trying to not let it get me down. Besides the pain I am healthy and so that is something to be really grateful for.
The next issue I have had lately is that ever since having Genevieve I feel like I have been cursed with not being able to lose weight. Those of you who know me know I can work out with the best of them and I get in great shape after having a baby. By six months I am in my high school jeans again. But this time not so much. I have done everything! I trained for a half marathon, I did South Beach twice, Atkins twice, done Pilate's, Turbo Jam,...nothing works and then when I throw in the towel and say "well, if it doesn't work then I wont do it" I gain like 13 pounds in a month....yeah, that is what happened this past month. So I am done with that! It is just so frustrating.
I am rallying myself again. I refuse to be okay with my bigger self. I am not sitting around hating myself, no I think I look really good for my weight. But I want more for myself. I weigh as much as I do when I am six months pregnant. So this is really the reason for my post, I wanted to publicly announce my goal to lose weight to give me a little extra motivation and pressure when my success is tiny and so very slow. I am going to do my old tried and true, portion control and increased focus on fruits and veggies and doing aerobic and strength training everyday -even though that means waking up at 5:30 every morning to make sure it doesn't take away from the rest of my life. I plan on being in my favorite outfit on my birthday in 14 weeks. In 14 weeks I am going to feel great that I set my goal worked daily at it to make it happen. I plan on periodically doing a post to let you know about my progress. I may have the ugliest legs ever but they surely wont be huge on top of their vein issues. If I cant look good in shorts I'll lat least look great in jeans! So take that body! ;)
2020 goals
6 years ago
6 comments:
So, I'm going to start by saying that I really do feel for you on the vein issue. I'm sure they ARE extremely painful, and you are very young to be dealing with such a thing.
However, I'm also going to play devil's advocate a bit--you said something about the larger woman at the pool "What she has is completely fixable what I have is not." Well, maybe. See, I pretty much AM that woman. Not quite 200 pounds but much heavier than I want to be, especially at my height. I've struggled with it my whole life. See, where you have so far been very successful in setting awesome weight and fitness goals and acheiving them, for me it often doesn't matter what I do. I can work out tons, eat less and less and not lose one dang pound. Especially as I get older, that baby weight goes nowhere. Right now I weigh as much as I did fully pregnant with my baby. It kills me to realize and admit that, but it is how it is for me. I'm running four times a week, doing yoga/pilates twice a week and trying to eat well. Not budging. So, what I'm saying is this: it's possible that what "she" has is not totally fixable. And she probably didn't even notice your legs while she was busy being jealous of your thin, beautiful body and wondering how on the earth you have four children and look like you do. I know I would be!
So, set goals and go for it, but I think we all have our issues that we get to deal with in this life. I think you look amazing, seriously. But I think we all (as women) get ourselves into dangerous mental territory when we let ourselves slip and compare. Good luck with your fitness goals!
(Please don't hate me for this super long blog lecture. You know I love you!)
Emily...I totally hear you! I too have issues...please tell me how it goes because I have about 10 to lose since we left its like I just gained weight...maybe its stress...I don't know. We could be support for each other 3000 miles away :(
Ok...you need to go to hawaii...seriously when I went to hawaii when i was prego with bridger every insecurity that I ever had about my body, especially in a swimsuit, sorta flew out the window. nobody cares what they look like down there they just put on a suit and go to the beach with their families! Now I sorta say, if you don't like what you see well then don't look...and yes I am that 200lb lady! I am currently working my BUTT off literally to lose weight. i have lost just over 30 lbs this year and still have at least 50 to go...it is definitely hard hard work. Also another thing...are you still nursing? I can't remember how old your little one is...but i know lots of people that can't seem to lose weight while they nurse, there body just likes to hold onto the extra weight until they are done...just a thought. I really hope you reach your goal and you feel great on your birthday! I have my 10 year class reunion at the end of this month and I sorta wanted to be 10 lbs lighter then what I am now...guess I better work my BUTT OFF the next few weeks. I'll be thinking of you while I do it! Good luck and hang in there, you are beautiful no matter what anyone thinks!
I agree with the above comments. I think you are beautiful! I'm with AmyJane though... no matter what I've been doing, I haven't been able to lose a single pound! I weight myself after a month and lost .2 of a pound. That's nothing! You are so awesome for setting goals! I try to set goals, but get disappointed when nothing happens. I'm about 40 pounds overweight (according to the wii fit), but here's the things... I haven't even had kids yet, so I can't blame any of it on baby weight! My husband and I finally gave in and got p90x, so I'm hoping that over time I'll be able to lose more weight and feel better about myself!
P.S. You've had four kids, and I can gaurantee you look a lot better than I do! PLUS I'm pretty sure you have a flatter stomach than I do too. So you have nothing to worry about (as far as weight is concerned). But good luck on your goal! It's always nice to set goals! :)
Emily,
I read the above comments and I want you to know I feel exactly the way you do about weight! It doesn't matter if "others" think you look skinny or if they say you are skinnier than they are, it all comes down to how YOU feel. Only you can determine that. I admire the motivation you have built up. I have been searching for that same motivation. I can totally emathize with you, I weigh only 5 more pounds than I did in high school, but it doesn't "look" the same, I think I have more fat than muscle, so no one understands when I say I want to work out more, just to look more toned. What I am trying to say is GOOD LUCK! You will do great! Keep that motivation in your head! Hard Exercise is all in your MIND! You can always work hard and be disciplined if you have made up your mind to do so!
P.S. I am so sorry about your struggle with vericose veins, I can't imagine how hard that would be. But, you have a husband who loves you and 4 beautiful kiddos, don't let the adversary let you focus on the 1 bad thing about yourself that you can't even control or solve!
LOVE, Lindsay
I spent all night thinking about this post and about my comment, as well as other comments. :) And while I'm not exactly here to print a retraction, I did want to clarify something.
I think the real issue here for me is this: it all comes down to our motives when we choose to work on diet or fitness goals. I feel strongly that Satan hates our bodies. For obvious reasons. And it's in his best interest to have us focused on the negative things about our bodies. He would rather we fixated on zits and scars and extra pounds and thin hair and whatever else and neglecting to notice the way our bodies can run and play and give birth to babies and feed babies and hug our families and work and create.
So I believe that when our motives are to take care of our bodies in a loving way so that they can continue to function, it's all good. When our motives are to beat our bodies up mentally and physically and hate them, I think we get ourselves into dangerous territory. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having healthy goals and working towards them, as long as we can keep the rest of our lives in balance and remember who gave us our wonderful bodies to begin with and what a gift those bodies are, even with a few imperfections.
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