My Body Part Two

Ha! thanks for the comments I was thinking about my post after I posted it and thought I would retract it and take it off since it was a bit whinny and I hate when women go on about their weight since its such a complex topic for women especially in our society...but I guess I was too late. :O)

Here are some of my thoughts in response to your great comments. When I was in high school I thought that weighing 120 would be the death of me and I thought the four black heads by my nose were the most awful things to ever happen to me face. So the Lord has had a lot to work on with me since! :O) what a nut right?!?!?!

At eighteen I promptly got acne, my veins started to get worse (yes, even in high school they started to bulge) and I gained 15 pounds making me 130. Gasp! I think he has been doing the same thing to me all over again. I know, with great humility, that I am still a bit of a nut as my sisters are never too shy to point out. The Lord is still having to teach me to CHILL and get a more healthy perspective. I know that in five years I will look back at myself at this time and laugh and shake my head. I think that is why the past months when I would have usually dropped the 20 pounds I like to in an effort to reclaim my body as my own and to reassert that I am a physically capable women after spending the last months of my life waddling around it didn't happen. :O) .

This time with Miss Genevieve I gained a lot more when I was pregnant, my veins got really horrible, and I was hardly able to walk the last couple weeks. The Lord had to humble me even more and teach me to chill after she was born. I knew that from the beginning. I would pray about why I wasn't losing weight even when I was doing everything I sort of felt the Spirit say that it wasn't going to happen because I needed to learn to be happy even if my body was still "out of control". I think so much of what we need to learn in life (well, at least in my life) is to give up the sense of control we want so badly and be content realizing it's all in the Lord's hands.

The other day I was praying and asked the Lord if I had learned that lesson or not. You know when I weighed myself and I weighed my 6 month pregnant weight that I used to freak out about when I was even just pregnant I didn't freak out. It made me sad a little that I was at that point but I was okay with it, the eating disorder from high school past didn't freak out! I knew I was happy and that life was so very blessed despite my weight which in high school I don't think I could have emotionally excepted as well. I think as I prayed this last time I felt like He was actually going to bless me to be successful this time around so I was trying to hype myself into caring more again and to do the crazy exercise that I love to do all over again. I think partly my rally cry for weight loss is because I have been struggling with a little bit of depression since Stewart started residency. He is just gone so much and with my kids (Bridger has been out of control with tantrums and fits and really been rather violent and I am trying to get him evaluated for ADHD and sensory issues) and we are starting the process of short selling our house, I got called to Young Women's presidency, and blah blah so it have been stressful... I knew I needed to start running again since that is my "anti-depression" remedy. So, this week I have gone on a 4 mile run every morning, I am the slowest pace of my life, but I am proud of myself for going. I think by October the little consistent things will make a big difference even if I am not in my favorite outfit. I know if I stick with it I will be proud of myself for being healthy and doing the things that make me feel good with or with out my weight loss. But a girl can dream right?!?! ;)

And Amy, I love your "lectures". :O) You talk the same way my family talks. When I talk to you I feel like I am talking to one of my sisters. I love it. I know it isn't fair to say her weight is fixable...I am a strong believer in how genetics effect our weight. Like when a women built like Olive Oil says she is so thin because she goes on a mile walk every morning...Ha! ya right lady! ;) Sometimes the only way to lose that genetic weight is with extreme, dieting and exercise and to do that would be excessive and unhealthy. I guess we all have different balances that equate to our own happiness...and I think women who are genetically fuller look really good full. I know one might say this is my eating disorder thinking I am not looking good when I am...but I think there is at least some truth to that.

So I'm a nut. I am sorry to share my nuttiness. I blame this hateful world! ;O) I hate when I say stupid things when I know better. May we all set whatever goals make us happy and achieve them if the Lord thinks it our time and season for such things. :O)

And I guess I am now going to have to let you all know how it is going from time to time. Today I ate two chocolate rice crispies dipped in chocolate for a late morning snack and then again as a pre-lunch snack. They were really good. :O) If I don't lose this week we'll all know why.