My thoughts on residency and emotional processing.

The thing about residency that I don't think people understand unless they have been through it or something similar (I know I didn't really appreciate it) is that sometimes even when the "Dr." is home they aren't really there. They are so tired. So tired. And so stressed. and sort of basically hate going to work everyday with not much to look forward to when their vacations are few and far between. Residency seems to sort of put out a little of their light - their spark as I like to call it. Its just so exhausting - emotionally and physically, so relentless and seems like the end will never come. And I am saying this with only six months in and after new regulations that they cant work them over 80 hours a week.

I remember the advice that doctors gave me as we started medical school it was stuff like, "don't lose your faith." and "you only become a doctor if you feel that is your burden in life." and other warning stuff. So I knew this day would come and in med school we had times like this too, (like him being gone four months out of the year his third and fourth year...that was HARD too) but Stewart was happier then and now it just stinks....he sort of always hated internal medicine and so to be working at the VA right now doing internal medicine is lame...I mean there are days after days where he never sees sunlight. Its not happy for him. and when the man ain't happy, its harder on his women. :O)

I sometimes feel like my friends don't get it. Which makes me feel sad and a little lonely. First of all, I don't have any friends with four kids (well 2 in my ward but we don't hang out much)...I have family with the same situation yes, but I don't have a single relative for hundreds of miles so it only helps so much. I will see my friends and I am in this frazzled state and my kids look a little homeless and when I express how overwhelmed I feel they ask me why and I don't really have much to say other then the circumstances of my life: four kids 5 years and under, half a husband, little money, my kids have special needs, I have two puppies and all of their birthdays are in a two month period not to mention Christmas stuck in there too. I don't really know how to say that without sounding like the most whinny person ever but its the truth. I look at mom's with their 2.5 kids that are all taken care of and their nice mini-vans that have doors that close by themselves (you'd understand my feelings if you have ever tried to close my van doors) and their parents live in the same town as them and other such nice things and I just know they don't get it. Every little thing, like getting my kids who ALL need so much help getting ready in the morning kills me....I mean it takes so much effort to get out the door. When people ask me to swing by I want to curse or cry or something. There's no swinging nowhere! It is a full on marathon to get the car backed out of the drive way. My kids are so close and Bridger has ADHD which is a real challenge. Then Angeli has an anxiety disorder and Ben is the easiest and he is barely even three and then I have a 11 month old with the mobility of a 18 month old. Its a challenge.

I wonder why Stewart and I have never opted for an easy route. Like having our first two kids a year apart. Or like buying this house, or starting two home businesses, or a hundred other things I could point out. Stewart talked to his friend who's life is like ours but the easy version of it the other day and it got me thinking about what would have been simple and easy for us to have done these past years....we could have rented from the couple who were serving a mission and needed someone to live in their house for two years while they served for $400 and their house was a huge four bedroom in a nice part of town , and then when they got back we'd do the next two years of med school in Vegas, lived close to Stewart's parents, have cheap rent, have my family only 4 hours away, Stew wouldn't have had to leave for months on end, and then now he'd be doing internal med in Vegas which is much easier then what he is doing here in Reno...but I guess life isn't about getting through on the easiest road. Shoot we are made of pioneer stock! Why wait for the railroad to be built when you can push a handcart through the snow! ;O)

I am not bitter or angry or depressed. I am just thinking of the life I didn't live. The life that would have aged me less but left me, I'm sure, a little less mature and worn and wise. "This life is a time to prepare to meet God." So I guess I am busy preparing, pulling my heavy handcart toward Zion, toward God even if I have to cross the Rockies or heaven knows what.

Today was filled with joy as are all my days. I marveled at my kids. They with their father are everything to me. They give my life so much joy I cant express what a gift it is. As I sat watching Cars 2 with them, all six of us cuddling on our couch, my cup was running over. but now as I face Monday and a new year and see my husband asleep on the floor in the boys room while the baby is screaming and I cant find her pacifier because the dogs keep chewing them and hiding them I feel challenged as I do everyday.

So that is my life, so much joy and blessings but so much hard work to be done. I know the time will come when I look back at these years and ache wanting to go back and hold my kids again and dream of hearing their feet running back and forth across the floor. I know I will look at the pictures I took today as we got home from church in our Sunday best and wonder if they really were ever that little and cute and wonder if I appreciated it while I had it. So I am trying to soak up the good and brush off the bad. I hope I am doing a good job at it all. I hope we survive it all! :O)

And I like this quote by Jenkins Lloyd Jones which is a little depressing but not when you imagine President Hinckley saying it which he did in one of his talks:

"Anyone who imagines that bliss . . . is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. [The fact is] . . . most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . . Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."


And with that good night! :O) processing done.